Surrendered.

Sometimes life hurts.  Sometimes your past makes you sad.  Sometimes you feel like you have no control.  Sometimes the holes in your family, in your life, in your heart feel too big to be put back together.  I'm glad for me, it's only sometimes.

I surrendered tonight….

I surrendered to the truth that I was created for a purpose, that we all were, even if we don't realize it.  I surrendered to the fact that I serve a God that holds the world in His hands. 

I was hurting, I am hurting.  I have this pull in my soul that tells me that family is supposed to be close.  Supposed to be community, supposed to be unconditional.

And I want that.  I want it so bad.  I am willing to fight for it. 

Sometimes I forget to say yes.  Sometimes I forget that He has so much planned.  Sometimes I forget that he cares enough about me.  uugghhhhh.  He does….it breaks His heart when I forget. 

I surrendered tonight and lifted my hands in my room, and let tears stream down my face, and yelled out loud that I wanted His reality, that I believed his plans for my family and my life.

And then Chloe woke up (probably because I was literally crying out loud) and I felt her behind me, and scooped her up, and rocked her.  And her little head fit right in between my collar bone and my chin.  She laid on me and she fit so perfectly, just like I do with Him. 

And wouldn't you know, He had more to tell me, and now that I was listening…He could. 

I stopped sobbing, and just reveled at how amazing my cute little girl is.  She looked into my eyes and told me she needed water.  Of course I jumped up and brought her to the counter, sat her down gently, and gave her a pretty full glass of water.  She looked at me sweetly and said, "Is it ok if I drink it all??" 

EPIPHANY:  He doesn't have a tiny glass of water for me,  He doesn't take his water away, and there's plenty more water where that came from.

I'll take the waterfall.  I'll take the MIRACLES, I'll take the HEALING, I'll take the RESTORATION, IN JESUS name, I'll take it.  AMEN.




This song by Phil Wickham is my cry tonight.  And is it ironic that I chose the color "ocean" without even knowing it at first.  No, it's perfect.  I highly recommend listening (link at bottom)

If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I want to reflect the light
That shines from You
And if this is war
Then I'm gonna draw my sword
This time I know what I'm fighting for

God I wanna let You know
I want everything You are
I'm waiting for the morning light
To show a fire in the dark

Shine Your light
I want to feel You now
God I need a miracle
Take my heart, make it glow
Shine Your light
From the inside out
I wanna be more like You
If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I wanna be the moon

If love is a choice
Then I need You to hear my voice
I'm the one knocking on Your door
Making all this noise
Whatever it takes
I'd give it all away
I want to show my love in a thousand ways

God I want to let You know
I love everything You are
I'm waiting for the morning light
To show a fire in the dark

Shine Your light
I want to feel You now
God I need a miracle
Take my heart, make it glow
Shine Your light
From the inside out
I wanna be more like You
If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon

And I can't live a single day without You
And I don't even want to try
And I won't take another step without Your light
I need Your light

Shine
I want to feel You now
God I need a miracle
So take my heart, make it glow
Shine Your light
From the inside out
I wanna be more like You
If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I wanna be more like You
I wanna be more like You
I wanna be the moon

If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I want to reflect the light
That shines from You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rl_3WHW1Tco