Monday, July 9, 2012

A place to worship.

"Kara, are you creating a place to worship?"

I don't usually have a problem throwing my hands up towards the sky and whispering, or crying, or shouting to Jesus.  Whether it be at church, or out of my car window, or at my desk, or in my kitchen…they will just instinctively raise, and I will declare that he is my King, and worthy of praise.  Because HE IS.

But lately I feel a little stiff.  I feel a little, "second guessy."  A couple weeks ago, I knew that God was propelling me into a new season, one where walls would be broken down and shattered on the ground.  One where my box would be opened up, and I would be asked to jump out from a UPS parcel post to a planet.  It's a big shift.  It's a blow your mind, answer your dreams, heal your family, rock your world, challenge your being shift.  And I thought I was ready.  And I will be.

But seasons like this bring attacks.  Because Satan will use anything he can to keep me in that box.  And I don't know who reads this, and sometimes I freak out that I talk about God, and Jesus, and Satan, and sometimes I worry I sound a bit nuts, and maybe like I'm writing a fiction novel.  But the truth is, I'm not.  And the truth is the master deceiver would want me to spin in lies and fall into insecurity, and fall away to past thoughts and drag me right through the dirt that I've already crawled through. 

NO THANKS.  In Jesus name, you can back off.

I already know that I worship a God of second chances, that makes me clean when I ask for forgiveness.  Even if I have to do it daily.  Even if I have to bow my head and say I messed up.  Even if I get insecure and "trash think" my life.  Even when I second guess my friendships, my relationships, my parenting, and my role in this world. 

So I'm bowing down, and saying sorry…Please forgive me.

Thank you for the endless gifts of friendship that you have given me.  Thank you for making my mistakes sparkle with promise.  Thank you for making me a Mommy.  Thank you for making me a daughter.  Thank you for making me a sister.  Thank you for making me a photographer.  Thank you for telling me my life will be like nothing I've seen before.  I will cling to that promise.  Thank you for making me a "wife in waiting"…I hate admitting that, because I'd like to think I'll be fine if I'm never married again, and maybe I will be…but I WANT to be married, so thank you.

Tonight I sat in my doubt that felt like quick sand and wondered what the heck was going on.  I wondered why I couldn't imagine praying out loud, why I was bouncing between what He tells me is true and what the world says is true.  And He said, "Kara, are you creating a place to worship?"   Are you bringing me with you wherever you go?  Are you actually seeking me in all you do?  Honest answer: NO.  But guess what, I get to say yes now….I get to say help, and I get to ask! 

So Jesus, have your way!!! In my life, my decisions, my friendships, my career, my church, my everything…HAVE YOUR WAY!