Monday, March 19, 2012

.Enjoying.

I have extremely adorable children.

Some days I just can't help but stare at them with absolute wonder, and a tear in my eye (ok about 20 tears).  I can't help but remember the smell of their head.  I always seem to remember the first time I smelled them, new and perfect.  And then my mind goes through a series of smells, like baby lotion and rice cereal, formula (it's a love/hate), the smell of their fingers when they are putting everything in their mouths (also love/hate), the smell of that nighttime shampoo, that doesn't put them to sleep at all, but does in fact smell like a dream.  I somehow always end up at sunshine, and a little bit of dirt. 

I ENJOYED my children today.  I think I do everyday, but maybe not to the extent of today.  I enjoyed them above everything else and it was just so sweet.

We had laughter in the car.  We had a story from Shai, that ended, "and then my friend was headlighted…meaning (lightheaded)"  I almost had to pull over. 

We had homemade dinner, which included a very serious debate on why the opposite ends of asparagus are better…Chloe likes the "flowers", and Shai likes the bottom.  Chloe also told me that asparagus is healthy because it tastes like salt, and a little bit of sour. 

Shai is the "Special Student" this week in her class.  We spent our evening making a picture collage, and I got to watch them be delighted by their baby pictures.  They were laughing at memories, and at each other.  I was just taking it all in as an outsider in a still lump….trying not to bawl and just being so thankful for how blessed I am. 

I also got Shais report card today, she asked me if she got A's.  I explained to her that she doesn't get A's yet, but her report card was pretty much perfect.  It was, and she is ahead in all subjects.  I can't help but beam at her diligence, and I also can't help but flash back to the day that I cried out to Jesus that I wanted her brain. 

So I'm tucking them in, and Chloe's woobie (blanket) is out of the dryer and smells amazing, and she shouts, "I just love the warmness!"  And I just sit in between them and revel at this life I'm living. 

And then I lean over Shai, and look at her not-so-little girl face, I'm going to kiss her, but I just stare.  I can't help myself.  This is my BABY.  My baby that is so obviously not a baby.  She is still just as beautiful as the first time I saw her.  She's got a little wisdom behind those green eyes now.  I can't help it, and the tears well up.  She says, "Is something wrong, Mom?"…and I say, "You know when you see a new baby, or hold a puppy or kitten, and you almost just want to cry at how cute they are?"  And she gets it.  She pulls me down for a hug, and I tell her I love her.  And she insists that she loves me more.  She's wrong.  

Finally they are in for the night and Chloe yells emphatically, "I just want to KNOW how GOD is changing the world!!"

I'm pretty sure I know how. 

Friday, March 16, 2012

Surrendered.

Sometimes life hurts.  Sometimes your past makes you sad.  Sometimes you feel like you have no control.  Sometimes the holes in your family, in your life, in your heart feel too big to be put back together.  I'm glad for me, it's only sometimes.

I surrendered tonight….

I surrendered to the truth that I was created for a purpose, that we all were, even if we don't realize it.  I surrendered to the fact that I serve a God that holds the world in His hands. 

I was hurting, I am hurting.  I have this pull in my soul that tells me that family is supposed to be close.  Supposed to be community, supposed to be unconditional.

And I want that.  I want it so bad.  I am willing to fight for it. 

Sometimes I forget to say yes.  Sometimes I forget that He has so much planned.  Sometimes I forget that he cares enough about me.  uugghhhhh.  He does….it breaks His heart when I forget. 

I surrendered tonight and lifted my hands in my room, and let tears stream down my face, and yelled out loud that I wanted His reality, that I believed his plans for my family and my life.

And then Chloe woke up (probably because I was literally crying out loud) and I felt her behind me, and scooped her up, and rocked her.  And her little head fit right in between my collar bone and my chin.  She laid on me and she fit so perfectly, just like I do with Him. 

And wouldn't you know, He had more to tell me, and now that I was listening…He could. 

I stopped sobbing, and just reveled at how amazing my cute little girl is.  She looked into my eyes and told me she needed water.  Of course I jumped up and brought her to the counter, sat her down gently, and gave her a pretty full glass of water.  She looked at me sweetly and said, "Is it ok if I drink it all??" 

EPIPHANY:  He doesn't have a tiny glass of water for me,  He doesn't take his water away, and there's plenty more water where that came from.

I'll take the waterfall.  I'll take the MIRACLES, I'll take the HEALING, I'll take the RESTORATION, IN JESUS name, I'll take it.  AMEN.




This song by Phil Wickham is my cry tonight.  And is it ironic that I chose the color "ocean" without even knowing it at first.  No, it's perfect.  I highly recommend listening (link at bottom)

If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I want to reflect the light
That shines from You
And if this is war
Then I'm gonna draw my sword
This time I know what I'm fighting for

God I wanna let You know
I want everything You are
I'm waiting for the morning light
To show a fire in the dark

Shine Your light
I want to feel You now
God I need a miracle
Take my heart, make it glow
Shine Your light
From the inside out
I wanna be more like You
If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I wanna be the moon

If love is a choice
Then I need You to hear my voice
I'm the one knocking on Your door
Making all this noise
Whatever it takes
I'd give it all away
I want to show my love in a thousand ways

God I want to let You know
I love everything You are
I'm waiting for the morning light
To show a fire in the dark

Shine Your light
I want to feel You now
God I need a miracle
Take my heart, make it glow
Shine Your light
From the inside out
I wanna be more like You
If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon

And I can't live a single day without You
And I don't even want to try
And I won't take another step without Your light
I need Your light

Shine
I want to feel You now
God I need a miracle
So take my heart, make it glow
Shine Your light
From the inside out
I wanna be more like You
If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I wanna be more like You
I wanna be more like You
I wanna be the moon

If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I want to reflect the light
That shines from You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rl_3WHW1Tco

Sunday, March 4, 2012

I got my Daddy's grin.

 If you know my Dad, you know I look like him.  Truth is, I act like him every once and awhile too.  This is a few sweet little memories I jotted down as a poem/song. 

I got my Daddy's grin
Oh yes I did

And there sure is plenty more
where that came from

I got his hands, yeah
They got lines like his

And I walk with a smile in my step.

I like my coffee dark
and the windows down

I like to drive around in a sleepy town
and turn my headlights off in the moonlight

I walk a little proud
and I talk a little loud

But you just might sure know
what I'm thinking

And if a storm was on its way
I would say, put your umbrella away
cus I need to feel that rain upon my face.