I just jumped out of bed with an epiphany.
I started this year singing, "set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain, that I can't control, I want more of you God"….I told 2013 this was my song. I was shouting to God, set a fire in my heart for the things of Your heart. And He has been. And I have been semi-ignoring this longing, this calling, this press on my heart that He's been trying to nudge me with. I was ignoring it because I felt unworthy. Because I am filled with doubt. Honestly, I didn't even realize the extent of what was happening.
I want to adopt kids. I have visions, and dreams, and longings of adopting kids.
I want to adopt kids so badly, that it makes my heart stir, and my head spin, and my fists shake. It's an inner longing of my soul that I can't stifle, snuff out, or push down, try as I might. And I've been trying.
I am a single mom of 2 precious babies that I can't really afford. I am busy. I don't have time for my dream outlook of "Motherhood." I don't volunteer in classrooms, I work into the night, and a meal in our home looks like me standing at the counter, while the girls sit at an undone table.
I let my tally of the things I leave undone, and the ways I'm barely surviving, dictate the dreams that God has been sharing with me, and pressing upon me. I put God in a box and basically said I wouldn't partner with Him until the fairytale was put into place. Maybe when I'm married to prince charming. Maybe when we have a house in the country, where all the adopted kids can go run free, and I can work on the side if I choose to. Maybe when I can pay off all of the bills, maybe when I'm better at being a Mom, maybe then.
My doubt-filled head has been trying to convince my passionate spirit that I am not enough. And the thing is, it's right. I'm absolutely not enough. I'm sort of a mess. But HE, HE is good. And everyday, I lean a little closer in. And sometimes, I forget that He's so big, and deep, and wide, and capable. And HE makes me capable.
He showed me tonight, that while my kids might not know how to cook, and we haven't completely mastered tying our shoes, while we don't have a chore chart, and we keep it pretty spontaneous in our home…He reminded me….My girls KNOW that they are loved. They know that they are cherished, and special, and my favorite. They know that they are important. They know that I am proud of them. They know how to be kind, and gracious, and patient. They know how to give. They know how to pray.
They know that God is good, and through Him, all things are possible.
And tonight, I remember that too.
Jesus, I will believe in the promise and longing of adoption. I will believe in your perfect plan and timing. And I will not partner with fear, doubt, and shame. Whether it's soon, or far away. I will wait on you, and believe.