Some days I just want to put all of my belongings out on the curb, Tell my landlord I'm moving out, pull my kids out of school, start hitchhiking everywhere, and begin each morning not knowing where I'll end up at the end of the day.
If I wasn't used to being a civilized person, and maybe wasn't solely responsible for my babies, this might be a reality.
You might be laughing that I just called myself civilized. I may have exaggerated a smidgen.
When I was married, my husband would tell me that I gave too much away, that I wanted to share too much. He would say things like, "you can't trust everyone."…."We don't have enough to give." NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD. Those statements made my hair stand on end. One could argue that we didn't have "a lot" to some standards. I knew somewhere inside of me this was wrong. And I know now that I am nowhere close to where I am going to be, or where I am called to be when it comes to giving. I have this vision that everything that I receive into my hands leaves instantly and multiplies as it goes out of my possession. The vision is about monetary items, as well as knowledge. That's an intimidating vision. It's kind of one I don't want to tell people out loud that I'm having. My life doesn't line up with it.
Epiphany of the day: The same spirit that whispers and screams to me "reckless abandon"…is the same spirit that planted a seed in me to be different. It's that spirit that calls out my faith and says trust me enough in the morning to handle whatever may come. Believe me enough that you would pack your things on the curb. Give even what you don't have already. Listen to me.
I look around and see people with back up insurance for their insurance plans. Sometimes I think about my kids education and I get a little worried that in this moment I am not prepared to provide for them when the time comes. But then I get a tap on the heart and He shows me the truth…
That showing my kids to live with reckless abandon and unheard of faith is the only insurance that they will ever need. That by chasing Jesus, by calling on HIM they will be wise, and no amount of money, or books, or college will ever get them that wisdom.
So today, I am encouraged to believe beyond my means….to completely blindly fall into whatever He would have for me. Even if I have to give my whole self to do it.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
I am staying at my sisters house for the week. It is warm and cozy and inviting. It’s one of my favorite places because I am reunited with my family here. I love them.
I feel like God has promised me so much when it comes to them. I believe that He can heal our broken hearts, that He can show us how to love. That He can help us to be the family that He created us to be.
My kids woke me up around 7 to make them breakfast. 7am is not the time to wake up when you are on vacation :)….So I made them something to eat, and laid back down on the couch. I drifted in and out of dreams all snuggled up on my sisters “little couch” the one that fits me perfectly. As I went in and out of sleep…. I heard the hum of my kids laughter, chatter, and the bustle of everyone else getting ready to leave.
So around 9am, which is a much more rational time to wake up on a day off…I was pulled out of my dreams by a beautiful sound.
My kids were harmonizing with each other…..and singing, “Break every chain, break every chain…….break every chain…….”
The reality that my kids were releasing these words into this house…..over my family….into their lives. Made me turn into a big sappy grateful puddle.
And I sat there on that couch….and I just said thank you…thank you Jesus…thank you for breaking the chains of bondage, thank you for breaking the generational crap, thank you for making us new…..and I saw us ripping the chains off….
But then He stepped in and corrected me…in the middle of my vision of us ripping our chains off and slamming them to the ground….
He showed me the truth. That actually, He comes in, walks right up to us…and removes the chains like the guy at the movie theatre moving that felt barrier when you are standing in line. He just simply comes up, takes the poky jagged hook, out of the hole in you…..and it just falls away. He does it. Not me. Not you. Just ASK.
I’m all about that….Jesus…come on in….Break every chain….
Thank you. Amen.