Thursday, June 28, 2012

You know me.

I just got back from being at the ocean (pretty much my favorite place).  With one of my best friends, and her precious baby (so 2 of my favorite people on the planet).  And my kids (my absolute favorite people on the planet). 

Life is sweet.

I am humbled.  

I had put my phone down on the beach today, because I just wanted to soak my kids up, and not focus on taking pictures.  And then I realized that they were being so cute I had to capture it so I could look again tomorrow and remember just how sweet those moments were.  MY KIDS ARE STUNNING.  They are fiery and spontaneous, and they love adventure, and they speak their minds.  But mostly, they remind me to believe in GOD.  Sometimes they remind me by reveling in all of His greatness…. talking endlessly of His creation as they just purely ENJOY it all.  Laying face down in the sand and rubbing it through their fingers.  Catching shrimp in the shallow waves.  Looking up at the heavens and squealing with joy.  THEY KNOW HIM.  I stood watching them in of their delight, thinking, I want to live my life like this.  I want to run with open arms to the plan that He has for me, I want to shout with joy and dive in…Or as Chloe exclaims, "kick and punch" the waves!.  I say yes to the freedom that they had today, because I believe that I can have it. 

I had an epiphany today.  Gosh, I love it when that happens.

I came home and was casually looking through the pictures.  I stopped on one of Shai jumping in the waves.  I hardly ever notice that my daughter has 1 finger on her left hand.  I mean, it's a fact, so sometimes I remember, but I don't really NOTICE it.  And in the picture, my eye went right to it.  And then I heard a voice that I know pretty well in my head…."She is perfect." 

She is perfect.  She is the exactly the way she was created to be.  She was made in the image of Him.  She is exactly perfect.  Some might call her flawed.  She isn't. 

You ready for this?

So am I.  Even when I get insecure, even when I stumble…. when I look to Him, I am exactly who I am supposed to be.  Even if it isn't "normal".  Even if it doesn't go with the crowd.  Even if it doesn't fit into the pre-packaged box, or look like the mold from the factory.  Even when I mess it up, or dirty the water….He still says, I am perfect.  Exactly perfect as the one HE MADE ME. 

I have the song You Know Me by Stephanie Frizzell on repeat in my house…

In the lyrics she sings, 

you hung the stars, and you move the sea,
and still you know me


nothing is hidden from your sight
wherever I go, you find me

you know every detail of my life,
and you are good, and you don't miss a thing

You've memorized me.

HE HAS MEMORIZED ME!!!!!! And still chooses to use me, and talk to me, and see me!  Oh how I love HIM.  Oh how I feel redeemed! 

He calls me LOVELY…and I can't deny that when I know how I feel about my precious baby.  And it's not a joke when I say that it's the cutest finger I've ever seen. (it is!)

Oh Jesus, show me the flaws that aren't really flaws and help me to live like I am exactly who I'm supposed to be.  I'll run with my arms wide open to that.


Monday, June 25, 2012

Action comes before motivation.

I am learning that the promises in the written word are not mainly made up of metaphors.   Scripture is not made up of words and phrases that hold no bearing, like so many idle thoughts that fly through my mind and off of my tongue daily.  His words shake the earth, they have the power to do ANYTHING, they transform.  And they are for ME.  And they are for YOU.  You might be thinking "duh"!  And when I read that back, I'm kind of thinking "duh"…but man I do not walk and talk like that is truth.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a singer.  I wanted to be on stage,  I wanted to have talent.  More than fame though, I just wanted to be able to express myself in such a vulnerable, tangible, out loud way.   

I learned in the 4th grade that I am not the best singer.  I tried out for choir and found out quickly that I had no idea what I was doing.  I couldn't hear it…It was like another world to me.  Add to that years of hearing/speech issues and you have a tone deaf little girl with a nasally voice trying to sing jingle bells and completely missing the mark.  I wish that I was not that awkward, but the truth is, I was.   I am not trying to have a pity party, and search for someone to tell me "we can all sing" or something nice to put a pretty bow on that package.  I don't need it.

I can sing.  Actually I just typed that, not fully knowing how to agree with it.  But I typed it anyway.  Because he's been putting songs in my head, that I HAVE to my own voice, out loud, with passion.  I even record them.  Because just like when I have to have a photo shoot, or whisper to my babies, I have to sing these songs.  My soul isn't right if I don't. 

So His promises.

They never fall short.  They never fail.  They don't fit into the box that I've created for them.

He doesn't ever say it will be easy.  He doesn't ever say you'll know the answers.  He says He'll never leave you.

And boy do I know that to be true.

I started praying for my family since, oh I don't know, about the age of 5.  I didn't even know what I was asking most of the time, but I prayed nonetheless.  In all honesty, I didn't even know some of these times who I was praying to.  I DO NOW.  And the way I have watched the prayers that I lifted up be coddled, and remembered, and handled with care…brings me to my knees.  Actually, more literally, it brings me face down to my linoleum in my kitchen with my nose in a puddle of my own tears. 

Because He is tangible.  I serve a living, loving, all-knowing, TANGIBLE God.  I can't touch him in the physical sense all of the time, but He is there.  I can't deny it.  It would be a lie if I tried.  And dang it, that's just down right refreshing to say.  It's also a little scary, because it isn't EASY to live like that is truth.   

I have been in a dry spell with writing.  Today, I am practicing this wonderful quote that I've adopted since my early twenties.  Action comes before motivation.  I typically only write when I feel like my fingers will fall off of my hand if they are not allowed to type as fast as my brain is thinking.  Right now I am forcing them.   It resembles faith if you think about it.

I will believe, proclaim, declare, and rejoice!!  Even though I am dry and tired, I believe that there is so much more that is unseen.   HE is more.  And I will come and pray and declare these things when I am not cleaned up, when I am exhausted, when I don't know how to put one foot in front of the other. 

Because he is tangible.  Because He has never let me down.  It's not easy.  But he cares more than I could ever know.  So you bet your butt I can sing.  And He cares about my family.  He has placed me exactly where I am supposed to be. I will have a life and love like I've never seen before, and even when I don't really know the fullness of what that means, I will believe it.