Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I want to tell you today...

December, 3rd 2008        Shailen and Chloe:

If I died tomorrow

I would want you to know that you are the light of my life.

Your smile alone can make every worry turn into dust and float away.

You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I love you more than words, more than I can comprehend.

I could spend days upon days smelling your head and cuddling with you.

That my favorite sound is your voice, and your feet.

You will never need make-up to make you beautiful.

You are so smart.

I am so proud of you.

Jesus loves you more than I do, I don't know how that's possible, but I know that it's truth.

December, 15th 2010      Shailen and Chloe:

I want to tell you today that I am so happy that I have you.

That I feel like the most lucky Mommy in the world, that I got to be yours.

That you are stunning, inside and out.

That I don't care what it took to get me here, I'll take it.

I want to tell you to dream.  To dream so big.  Don't let anybody ever tell you different.

I want to tell you today that I love your laughter.  That my goal is to hear your laugh every day. 

I want to tell you that I wish I could bottle it up, slow down the clock, and see, smell, and experience it all more. 

You'll never know what you do to my soul.  Well, not until you have a little extension of yourself that you get to call your own.  So for now, know that you are the best thing to ever happen to me.

Monday, November 29, 2010


I am overwhelmed.

I don't know whether to lie on my bed, sigh and cry. Or type as fast as I can to get this whirlwind in writing.

Your love is everything is playing on itunes. I keep hearing, "I will not forget, I won't forget your promises."….and all the promises he has flooded me with play like a slide show in front of me.  He does that slide show thing sometimes. It knocks me off of my feet. Why? because he DESIGNED me to relate in pictures, so when he speaks to me in them, I just melt into a puddle.   When he is tangible like that, life is like a dream, the best dream ever.

So promises. How could I say that God does not shine down on me, surprise me at every chance, love me beyond measure. I couldn't say that. Actions speak louder than words. He comes in actions, daily, hourly, whenever I am faced toward the sky with an open humble heart, and waiting for more.  He comes, he floods.

He takes my sorry broken human body and he scoops it off of the ground, kisses it, whispers again why it's here, tells me he loves me, and sends me back out. Always like a Father.  He is my shepherd.

His goodness is bliss.  It is overwhelming. How did I get it. I got silent. I bowed down, and said, YOU ARE GOD.  And he showed me that he was.  He shows me that he is.  To deny him would be to deny my babies. To deny my very own shadow, or reflection in the mirror.  He is that real to me, more.

The countless stories of his love would cover too many pages.  Plus they are better told in person.  But they include: My rent being paid, my career being every dream I ever wanted.  My babies being here. My family.  My friends.  The wind that comes from nowhere right when I need it.  Continued revelation of the impossible.

Today he told me I was beautiful, and I finally believed it.  I'm dedicating this song to myself today, and I hope you do too.

Mercy Me:  Beautiful

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Today not tomorrow

Sometimes the reminders are simple that we need to cherish every moment. 

Sometimes they have the hot sting of being slapped in the face.  They knock the wind out of you with their force, and you cannot remember what breathing feels like.

It is about the people.  It is about the relationships we form.  I don't ever want to be too tired to be there. To be present.  To have my hand ready to extend.  I don't want my friends and family left wondering how much I love them.  How much I cherish their very being.

I feel challenged to live my life like there is not much left of it.  Because there may not be.  We never know. 

Sometimes I get caught up in things that do not matter at all.  Things that get in the way of dancing in my kitchen and painting with my kids.  Am I going to care in two years if I had to throw away a brand new shirt.  Am I going to care next week? No, because in it's place is a beautiful canvas, rock, or vase that I get to keep forever. 

In the place of starting my day answering emails, the memory of sunlight pouring through my kitchen window on messy behead babies while they serenade me and let me spin them round and round.  Or that same window, filled with the even light of a thunderstorm…and us sliding on the linoleum in our socks.  These are the things that matter.  These are the things I will put first.

Friday, October 1, 2010

.Living the minivan dream.

There are days when you are reassured that you are doing something right as a parent.  I'll be honest, my days of this can seem few and far between. Don't get me wrong…the amazingness of my babies is overwhelming…I know that they are WONDERFUL.  I know I had a hand in it.  I  also know that sometimes my tone towards them can resemble an AC/DC song, except not in a good way. Gosh, I love AC/DC…mainly on the freeway. That's not the point of this story.

Why I am writing, is because I do not want to forget my epiphany wonderful parent moments of today.  Both happened in the car, like so many epiphany moments do. We were listening to Air 1, the christian station. (Do I always do this, of course not, sometimes you just need to hear classic rock.)…Anyway, there we were. And Air 1 is having their pledge drive where they need to raise money to keep broadcasting.  So they play a message of a woman crying.  She had been going through a divorce, and was really encouraged by the music.  I was semi listening, waiting for the next song to come on.  Shai yells from the back seat, "Mom! Turn it down!"…Me: "What??"…Shai: "We need to pray for that woman crying RIGHT NOW!" 

Here it comes. The epiphany.  My child KNOWS that her prayers shift things. She is 6.  She knows that the quickest way to relieve pain, is to turn to her creator and ask for help.  AWESTRUCK does not even begin to describe my feelings.  She is moved by someone else grieving, and wants to help.  Her compassion is undeniable. I have a 6 year old who wants to help a woman on the radio. 

So we stop and we pray our hearts out for this person. We pray for comfort for her family, for kind words, and for healing.  We pray for other things too.  We pray for peace in her life.  And then we turn the music up and keep driving.

And then I get another one.  God is good to me.  I peek in my rear view mirror, at a little princess with her eyes closed and her hands in the air.  She is worshiping her little soul out. She is 2. My life is good. My kids are on their way to having more wisdom than me tomorrow.  Shoot, they already do.  I am thankful.

Proverbs 22:6   "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

Friday, September 24, 2010

He gives us the desires of our heart. Yes, yes, he does.

Looking at your 5 year old daughter while she tells you that she really wants to have a pet, and by wants I mean LONGS with everything in her.  You explain to her, that the place you are renting doesn't allow pets.  That you are sorry.  Thinking, that you don't have the time, much less the energy, and of course the fact that your bank account hangs out around, um, not a lot.  So you get fish.  You hope it helps.  It does for a little bit. Until she realizes that she can't hold them….the longing comes back. The big sad eyes come back.  A pet is the desire of her heart. 

I begin praying for a pet.  Praying for the right fit, something we can legally have, as well as one I think I can manage without losing my sanity.  I remember the bird we grew up with. We loved that thing…you could hold it, pet it, and it doesn't poop in your neighbors yard. perfect. Now about the money, and finding one that doesn't bite your animal loving daughter. 

Our dear friend Katie puts a word in at Petco, because she used to work there. Simply asking if they would keep an eye out for a nice bird that can be held.  Time goes by.  Shai asks about a pet everyday.  She starts randomly crying about the dog that she had, that needed to go to a new home.  My heart breaks for her. But what can I do right now?…Not really anything. That's ok, I don't have to.  Katie gets a call from Petco.  They have a bird.  He likes to be held. She goes and checks him out.  He rides to our house on HER SHOULDER.  He is stunning, kind, adorable, mellow, and does not bite my children. 

Did I mention that he was FREE, and came with a very nice FREE cage.

Oh, and he is a LOVEBIRD. Coincidence?… I think not.

Meet Bill. 

Psalm 37:4  Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.