Monday, April 25, 2011

How does your garden grow.

There was a day that I was in need of prayer (that's every day, but I actually requested it this day).  So my friend is praying for me in my kitchen.  She has her hand on my back and I am soaking up her words and feeling the holy spirit moving in our presence.  Then all of a sudden I am not hearing her words…they just sort of fade away…(she is still speaking)…but my ear is listening to something else.  Another voice speaks.  YOU are my bride.  It was loud, and authoritative, and beautiful.  And then it was gone…and my voice was left in my head saying, "um, what? What the heck does that mean?"  (At this exact moment) out of the living room the song I walked down the aisle to at my wedding starts blaring from the speakers.  This is bigger than I know.  A little info about how the song was playing…I did not have that CD in the player, and the actual song is # 6 on the disc.  Meaning…my daughter grabbed that CD out of the 125+ that I own, put it into the 3 disc CD player, and turned it to song 6… which is basically impossible to do without any other songs being heard while being skipped.  HELLO GOD. 

So I prayed about this fascinating bride scenario.  I still am.  I don't know the whole picture yet.  But more has come…

Another day of requested prayer…night actually.  Angst is a good word to describe how I was feeling.  So there I am getting prayer again.  And I see myself holding a bouquet of flowers.  My bouquet is very small, puny actually.  It feels and looks tiny, unworthy even.  And then I see a big hand stretched out before my bouquet with a ton of beautiful, robust, not puny flowers in it.  And I hear…"I have all of the flowers, stretched out before you, to add to your bouquet….and you are not taking them."

EPIPHANY:  The flowers are not hidden in a cave.  They are not in some wild, untrodden land that I cannot find or learn about fast enough.  They are in front of my face.  They are within an arms distance.   I do not have to win this love.  I do not have to work for it.  But, I do have to trust.  And sometimes that is very, very hard. 

It is so easy to listen to the world.  To listen to voices I am used to hearing.  It is easy to think that I do not deserve an unending love.  It is extremely easy to think that the gifts run out, or that I am not worthy of getting them anymore.  The truth is that the flowers do not stop coming.  I believe that I will get a full bouquet…start handing my flowers out…and then get new ones :)  Actually, he told me that part too.  OH what a beautiful thing.  He never tires of helping us.  He's always there.  But he can't give me flowers if my hands are busy holding weeds.   (If my metaphorical speaking is hard to follow, the weeds are lies.)

He can't fill me with truth, if I'm busy listening to lies.  I thought I had already taken the necessary steps to get rid of my angst.  (as if there is a formula, ugh)…  I prayed.  I prayed some more.  I repented, and read.  I had my friend pray for me.  I yelled upward a few times.  But, I left a loophole.  I wasn't being completely transparent.  I wasn't trusting him.  Not completely.  I reverted backward.  Oh how we are like infants sometimes.  I was saying yes, you are big, I get that.  But you only have your hand on the good things in my life…not the hard things, or seemingly bad things.  UM HELLO.  I GAVE HIM MY WHOLE LIFE!!!! Why the heck am I trying to take some of it back and not let him touch it.  Who knows…but tonight, I am handing it back over. 

And I am excited to watch my bouquet grow. 

James 1: 2-4

 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Friday, April 22, 2011


Disclaimer: I have not been in a relationship with my Mom, Stepdad, and my brother in over 6 years.  My brother is 15.  Severed is a good word to describe us.  The brother part was not by choice.  So here's part of my day...   

Restoration is on my mind.  It is amazing what can happen when we let God be big.  I consider myself beyond blessed that I have some very wise people in my life.  People that guide me, encourage me, and sometimes just flat out call me on my crap.  

Today started with breakfast with some of my favorites.  These mornings are filled with a constant love.  One that you walk into.  It engulfs you when you walk in the door, and you are free to be whatever or whoever you want to be, and whatever that may be…you will be loved.  You will be loved in your weakness, in your strength, and everything in between.  The only unwritten condition is that you love back.  And when it comes to these ladies…boy do I. 

So restoration.  Later in the day, I was driving through the place I grew up in.  My friend needed a ride to pick up a car.  I happened to drive by my Step Fathers truck at a creek that we frequented as children (this has not happened in 6 years, it was completely out of the blue).  I instantly thought of my little brother, who I'm not allowed to speak to.  My mind fluttered with thoughts of the last time I got to see him, hug him, play with him.  Then my mind wandered over to the love-fest breakfast.  Oh and that wisdom just hit.  I long to see him, I miss him, I love him.  I don't know how to go about that.  That's ok…someone else has bigger plans…(I do not know what they are yet ;).  But I trust him.  I will pray for messengers…a token I learned from breakfast…

My mind then wandered to my adorable sister calling me last night to re-enact one of our late night past times as kids.  Her call was just a sweet reminder of our little inside jokes.  That there are some things only sisters share.  That our bond started a long time ago…and without us really knowing it.  Here's the epiphany….My bond started with my brother the same way…a long time ago, without me knowing it.  But it is there.  And it is strong.  And I don't care what he's been hearing for the past 6 years, I know he remembers it too. 

So today, I will trust.  I will not believe the lie that things are beyond repair.  I will believe that the price was already paid for restoration, and it was the biggest price.  And will have faith that God will bring us back, and make us better.

My dear friend also prayed for me tonight, and gave me this scripture…I say amen :)

Joel: 2:25  " I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you."

He restores YEARS, and he restores GREAT DAMAGE…yup, amen.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Celebrating Kohan.

A year ago today I was waiting in the hospital for one of the best moments in my life to happen.  We ended up waiting all night…with prayers, delirious giggles, and sweet anticipation…not one of us could sleep.  Well, Grandpa Kevin tried a couple times, but was awakened with one of our joy-filled screeches with each attempt.

A few hours earlier that day I received a phone call that sounded like this.  A tad bit anxious sister: "I think it's time to go the hospital!"  Me: "What? oh my goodness, what do you need, what do you want me to do?"  Shlee: "Call the people, and we'll see you there."  …She then went into a small rant exclaiming that I had not warned her about the pain that comes with child birth.  I assure those of you reading, I did.

People can tell you about immense pain and strain of contractions.  But until you are there yourself you cannot fully comprehend the extent.  I knew that my Shlee was expecting a baby, but much like those contractions….you cannot emotionally prepare for the moment your baby sister brings a life into the world. 

That phone call rocked my world.  Within a very short time, I was going to meet a sweet angel baby that I dreamt of holding and seeing.

I was about to watch someone I love with all my heart, raise and nurture someone she loves with all hers.  That sounds sweet…but what I have witnessed this past year is so much sweeter than any words could express. 

I knew Shlee would be a good mommy.  I knew she would have a clue with all of the children we have in our family. :)  But I will admit I did not expect to be so pleasantly surprised with the comfort and confidence this role brought to her life.  I have never witnessed anyone transitioning into motherhood so beautifully.  Like they were born for it, or completed by it. 

Kohan Michael Wallace…You are celebrated with every breath, move, and step you will make.  You got the best Mommy and Daddy, and I am so blessed to watch the three of you be a family. 

Ko-bug, Auntie loves you with everything in her….just like I tell my babies, you are my favorite.  You have the best smile in the whole entire world, and a laugh that makes me happy with the thought of it.  I love that you are such a perfect clone of your beautiful Mama.  I love that I get to watch you grow. 

Happy 1st Birthday Monkey.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A little ditty...

Sometimes you just need country music.  And wine.  Country music reminds you where you came from, that life is supposed to be simple, and that chivalry is not dead.  Wine makes you smile while you write a sleepy blog at midnight, reminiscing about the greater things in life. 

I only like to sit down to write, when I feel like I have something important to say.  Even in my wine drinking, country music listening state….I think I do ;)

I have been gardening.  That makes me feel like an old lady.  Those ladies have something I don't.  It's called wisdom.  And gosh, gardening makes you feel wonderful.  You are literally getting down to the roots.  So liberating.  There is just something magical about tearing out horrible, nasty crabgrass (for HOURS).  And creating something beautiful to put in its place.  In my case that would be vegetables, and "thlowers" as Chloe calls them. 

I got to spend the day watching my baby talk to roly poly's, worms, and snails.  Watch her strip down to a diaper as she got mud and water on each article of clothing she was wearing.  I got to remember the days when a hose could entertain for hours.  I love this life.  I love spring.  It always makes me feel new.  Second chances feel like they are all over the place, just waiting to be grabbed….or grasped, or ridden on.  And who doesn't need a second chance now and then...