I am YOURS.

He's baaa-aaack. 

Or probably more accurately, I am.

I said yes again (this is constant), that's the beauty of it.  He gave us a choice, one to make over and over.  He never lets go, but I decided to entertain my own ideas for a little bit. bleck. no thanks.

Oh how much I let my pride get in the way and say I am fine.  I am fine feeling depleted, I am fine feeling wrung out, I am fine shrinking into a small existence that doesn't have a voice.  LIE.  I am not fine.  I am not fine when I don't put everything in front of him…down to the smallest detail. 

And you know what, the people in my life aren't fine either.  When I am busy filling my head with anger, and hurt, and worry…who the heck gets anything or anywhere from that.  We like to think that we are allowed these thoughts every once and awhile, at least I like to think that.  I've been hurt dammit, and I DIDN'T DESERVE IT!  So I should be able to think about it, and get mad about it, and let it fester, and vent to a friend, and have a pity party. GAG.  Grow up Kara.  How's that working for you?…Yes, I just quoted Dr. Phil.

The truth is that I am not anger, and hurt, and lies.  And just because someone still wants to speak that over me, doesn't mean I have to buy it for a second!  And it doesn't mean I have to get angry, or upset.  I GET  to look up…and say…"hi…and say,  what do you say???" AND HE WILL TELL YOU! 

He says…, no rather,… DECLARES, you are MINE!  You are my beloved, and I made you.  I put a song in your heart that only you can sing.  You are beautiful.  You are new every morning that you choose me.  You have a path set before you, that I designed.  I long to spend time with you.  I long to have communion with you.  I long to shine my face upon you.  I want you, and I want you to have me.  I want your wildest dreams to come true.  I created you to have wild dreams come true.  It's hard to believe, yes.  But my promises never fail.  

I wouldn't want a best friend that only called when they felt like they were going to die.  Would you?  I feel like he is saying…I love you, I feel so connected to you, I think about you all the time, I want to be closer to you…I want you to know me!  Because I know you, down to every last breath, thought and hair.  But you only call when you can't catch your breath. 

OH and that's the thing of it.  The more you know him, the more you want to know, the more you feel like you aren't breathing without him.  The first time you don't invite him in, you feel the blackness of your heart so much stronger than before because you've been ignited to what you could be. 

                                               I keep hearing REMEDY.

Oh the remedy….

It is Him.

He already IS.

He already IS the Healer.  He already IS the SAVIOR.

He doesn't end.  He doesn't run out.  We can't have too much healing, too much redemption, too much revelation.  He doesn't stop saving! 

Everything else in the world…Everything we have EVER known…Will at some point let us down.  Our parents, our kids, our dearest friends, our spouses, our careers,  Our church…oh yes, even church..even, {gasp}…pastors.  They will let you down.  They will hurt your trust thermometer, and make you feel abandoned to some extent.  

But he won't.  Not ever.  He will NEVER leave you.  He will never stop saving you.  It's hard to wrap your mind around it.  But you don't even have to do that.

He is shouting, "YOU ARE MINE!"

But you have to answer,…yes,…"I AM YOURS!"

and I am. 

What I know for sure.

Do you ever wonder if you are going to look back at your life and wish you would have chosen differently. 

I don't want to sound like a cheesy poem, but are you living like it's your last day?

Are you living like you don't have a lot of days left. 

I'm not.

If that were the case, I'd be living a whole lot more.  Insert the cheesy bumper sticker I can't get out of my head: "The meaning of life is to live it."

I'm pretty impressed that I choose my kids over petty things, and dance in the rain (literally), and stop to smell the air, or just look up at the sky.  I have close friends.  I love my family.

Here comes the convicting part that I don't want to write, or say out loud, or even think about quite frankly.

Am I honoring the people I love in my life.  Am I living for them, chasing after them, forgiving them…asking them to forgive me.

hmmm…not always.  I'm learning.  But the answer is a definite no.

So here is what I declare today:

Precious Jesus, I don't care how broken I have to get if I get to feel you pick up the pieces.  I would rather be pushed to a desperation that makes me drop everything and sit with you in my bed, or shout to you in my car, or proclaim you in the streets.  I don't want this life that I'm used to anymore.  Where broken hearts are left untended and  hanging all about.  You make beautiful things.  You give beauty for ashes. 

I trust you with my kids.

I trust you with my family.

I trust you with my life.

I trust you with my finances.

I trust you with and for my future husband.

I trust you with my path.

I trust you with my heart.

and oh, how I want yours.  How I want your heart for your people.  How I want your eyes.  How I want your will. 

You are making me new.

Thank you for that.  Thank you thank you thank you.

You are good. good good good. And I know that for sure.