Thursday, September 18, 2014


I discovered today that conviction is exciting.  Guilt and shame are depression disguised.  But conviction is different.  It says, “I love you too much to leave you here.”  I was super convicted today.  Revelation hit me like a brick falling straight from the sky, right onto the top of my head.  

I had an external hardrive go out about a year ago.  It was devastating.  Client jobs, personal photos, gone.  In an instant.  It was a big bummer.  I’ve been praying for the drive to be repaired since.  This morning I really hunkered down and prayed (in thought, not like on my knees, not that I don’t ever do that).  Jesus, I want it back.  I really really really want it back. I want those people to have their pictures.  I don’t care about my name, I don’t care about looking bad…but I want them to have them, I really want it.  I got an email 2 hours later from the repair guy saying he found a donor to get parts from (he has literally been searching this entire time, to no avail).  And then the feeling of shock ran all over me.  WOW.  God hears me.  I sat in that for awhile.

Then I was in the shower.  Like so often when epiphanies hit…..apparently it’s a new trend.  And I started celebrating again in my head about how there might be an end in sight for this, that it wasn’t a dream, I really received that email…woohoo!  And then…BAM.  I SHOULD NOT BE SURPRISED.  Not in the least.  I should be expectant, in waiting, proclaiming, declaring.  My posture and attitude should always be that God will come through, provide, astonish.  BECAUSE HE ALWAYS HAS, ALWAYS DOES, AND ALWAYS WILL.  


Lord, I repent for making you small on a daily basis.  Please do not stop changing me.  


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Humble pie. I'll eat it.

I often ask for God to MAKE me humble.

I pray it all the time. 

In the car, in passing, before bed.

MAKE me humble.

“Do it, God.”  Is the demanding voice in my head.

He is so so so patient, and good.

Today I was in the shower, shaving my legs, where so many epiphanies make their way into my heart.  

“You can only be as humble, as you are vulnerable.”


I have to give up something for this humbleness?!  I have to open up? I have to be transparent?  I have to expose the things that haunt me..I have to be honest…I have to be vulnerable?  Well, crap.

Ok, I still want it.  I want to be humble.  I want to have open arms.  I want to be different than I’ve seen, and different than I know now.  I WANT IT.

You can have it. My pride. My insecurities.  Me.  YOU CAN HAVE ALL OF IT.  You can have my doubts, and fears, and dreams, yes you can have my dreams, and my happiness.  I WANT YOUR HOLINESS. I WANT IT!!!!

You can have my parenting, my control, my patterns, and cycles.  You can have my perspective.  You can have my timelines, and my fantasies.  Please, come in, have them. 

And I’m so sorry when I don’t believe you.  I am sorry for listening to lies.  I am sorry for believing in your goodness only for others.  I am sorry for getting caught up in material things.  I am sorry for being impatient.