Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I know the truth.  I met Jesus.  He came into my life and he transformed me, and he whispers in my ear.  He speaks to me, rains on me, and blows wind in my face.  I have felt the love of God the Father stronger than any love I have ever felt for my two precious babies. And I love them with everything in me.  I would die for them in a second.  I would let my life be mutilated so that they could live.  So that they could be spared.  And I know Gods love more than I know that truth.  Because I asked for it.  I said, I will step out on a tiny shred of faith if you could just give me a sign.  And he did.  Small ones.  Ones that I had to chase, and hold onto.  Signs that I had to pursue.  And then the signs got bigger.  They got clearer, sometimes it feels like connecting the dots to create that whole picture.  And I won't know the whole picture.  Not in this lifetime.  But if I keep chasing I'll know enough to get through this day, and the next day, and the one after that if I am lucky enough to have it. 

But here is what I know today.  I know that I want my life to be a testament of the truth that I know.  And that isn't happening if I am not proclaiming it out loud.   

Here comes the scary part.  I DON'T WANT ANYONE IN MY LIFE TO FEEL LIKE I AM JUDGING THEM.  That is the hardest thing for me.  And I don't judge them.  I don't. I mean, don't get me wrong…my human nature is nasty and I know that I HAVE JUDGED people.  And I am sorry.  And I know that I will do it again.  And I will be sorry again.  But I am sick of not proclaiming the truth, because I don't want to hurt someones feelings.  I will proclaim the truth because I want the best for them.  And I will not judge them, but I will love them.

The truth is Jesus. He has a better way than you could ever know (a way he wants to show you, and give you on this earth).  A peace that passes all understanding.  And to not have him, is death. 

I love this message by Mark Driscoll.  It is TRUE.  It is so refreshing to finally hear it.  To hear it not stepped around, and not screamed out with a harsh tone of judgment.  To just hear the truth.  No double talking, or misconstruing. 

God, you know my heart, you know who I wrote down.  Please don't pass them by. 


Thursday, March 24, 2011

Late is better than never.

Ok here we go.  Or knowing me, maybe we won't.  But also like me, we are going to try!  I started this blog to be a journal of daily blurbs and occurrences.  Being a mom makes you forget things.  Really great, important, life changing things.  So it begins....(I think.)

My favorite God moments are when I can feel him be my Father.  Because it all makes sense.  I wrote this blurb a few days ago.  I'm posting it today, with adorable pictures of Chloe....it doesn't all piece together perfectly.  But here is the lesson: (an extremely recurring one for me).  BE CHILDLIKE.

Gosh God is good, isn't he?? Wow he really is.  Sometimes when I feel myself wandering down a dark hole, or getting down…I feel him reel me back in like I'm attached to a fishing line.  All I have to do is hold on to the other end, and he'll bring me right back on dry land.  No more tumultuous waves crashing, no more deep water.  My feet are like a deers and I am prancing once again.  A relationship goes 2 ways.  You'll never find one that doesn't.  And I love that I can choose him when things are light and airy…and then sometimes he chooses me back when I'm having a hard time believing.  Example of this:  Chloe was holding her blanket, with unruly bedhead and pajama pants on, just charming me with small talk while I read my bible on my bed.  I said, "hey, let me hold you!"…she looked at me with a wild grin and squealed, "no way" as she ran away. She ran, knowing I would chase her.  She ran knowing I was still her Mommy.  Sometimes we run…(not into bad choices) we just run.  These are the moments I feel the other side of this relationship.  He's chasing my feet, like I chase his.  Don't get me wrong…I choose him a thousand times daily.  But I can feel him choose me back.  And it's awesome.

So today I am going to remember to slow down.  To breath.  To have faith in things I cannot see.  Just like my kids do. I'm going to dance for no reason, and not worry.  I'm going to revel in how small I am.  And dream and hope and believe.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

God's reality

What we are, what we think we should be, and what we are called to be are not the same thing.  I will never be 5'9.  Maybe if I wear stilts…bad idea.  Another bad idea: putting my dreams, heart, aspirations, and hope in a box they don't fit in, or better yet, a box that doesn't belong to me.  What other people want me to be, or what I think they want me to be is not what God has designed me to be.

God has been talking to me about reality.  Woah.  God's reality.  It looks like nothing I've seen before. 

No keeping up with the Joneses here.  No fake.  No facade.  No lies.  NO LIES (that's the most liberating, scary statement)  I grew up with lies as friends.  Lying to myself that I was good enough (I know now that I really am.)  The lie that everything was ok.  Lies to make myself look better, or feel better.  Even at the cost of hurting someone.  Goodbye lies, I don't need you anymore.

There's this cry in our spirit.  It's, um, our spirit.  So many of us are taught to ignore it, mistreat it, deny it, abuse it.  Talk about nurture vs. nature.  My parents didn't learn how to listen to their spirit…so they had a really hard time teaching me how to.  That's ok, I'm learning quickly. 

I was designed for a purpose. I always knew it.  I knew it as a small child.  Nobody told me though.  I was loved, but not designed for a purpose. 

I was loved.  I really was.  I really am.  And I love back.  But I want to love with no strings attached.  Love to the end of the earth and beyond that into the clouds.  I want to love past expectation, and beyond my wildest dream.  I want to love over doubt, love ugly, love without the boundary that I will get anything out of it. 

Because my spirit was created for it.  I was designed to be set apart.  We all were.  And I am choosing it.     

So here I am.  Saying it out loud.  Well, actually, I'm writing it, but it feels like I'm declaring it to the world.  Hello spirit.  I'm so excited to wake you all the way up with my friend Jesus.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

"You can't always get what you wa-aant"...

So I had a melt down last night.  You know when a close friend asks how your day was, or how you are doing.  And you think you are going to say, "fine." or "pretty good."….but then you start talking and before you know it you have word vomited all over her,  and you have no idea how long you've been rattling on.  By the time you look up and realize what has happened, you feel about 20 pounds lighter (word vomit is fattening if you keep it in) and she looks like she needs windshield wipers for her eyes. 

So I did that.  I had no idea I needed to.  But it came.  Fast and hard.  Like so many other of life's lessons it seems.  I talked about my finances, and worry.  Things I pray and watch myself giving over daily.  Here God, take this, it's definitely too much for me.  I thought I was good at it.  He's better.

I keep thinking maybe I need to be humbled into some sort of existence before I can feel like I'm not drowning.  But the thing is, I've really never been better.  That's the honest to God, swear on everything truth.  I've had "security", I've had a savings,  I've had play money.  Those things do not compare in the least to the wisdom, insight, and daily glimpses of heaven I have now.  And It's going to keep coming!  I pray that I never have money if it's going to cloud my vision, and keep me from God. 

So I gave it away again.  I handed it right over.  From my small hand to his big one.  I trusted harder, declared my faith, watched him grab my worry and send it on it's way like dust in the air. 

His promise is that we will have what we NEED, and I DO.