There was a day that I was in need of prayer (that's every day, but I actually requested it this day). So my friend is praying for me in my kitchen. She has her hand on my back and I am soaking up her words and feeling the holy spirit moving in our presence. Then all of a sudden I am not hearing her words…they just sort of fade away…(she is still speaking)…but my ear is listening to something else. Another voice speaks. YOU are my bride. It was loud, and authoritative, and beautiful. And then it was gone…and my voice was left in my head saying, "um, what? What the heck does that mean?" (At this exact moment) out of the living room the song I walked down the aisle to at my wedding starts blaring from the speakers. This is bigger than I know. A little info about how the song was playing…I did not have that CD in the player, and the actual song is # 6 on the disc. Meaning…my daughter grabbed that CD out of the 125+ that I own, put it into the 3 disc CD player, and turned it to song 6… which is basically impossible to do without any other songs being heard while being skipped. HELLO GOD.
So I prayed about this fascinating bride scenario. I still am. I don't know the whole picture yet. But more has come…
Another day of requested prayer…night actually. Angst is a good word to describe how I was feeling. So there I am getting prayer again. And I see myself holding a bouquet of flowers. My bouquet is very small, puny actually. It feels and looks tiny, unworthy even. And then I see a big hand stretched out before my bouquet with a ton of beautiful, robust, not puny flowers in it. And I hear…"I have all of the flowers, stretched out before you, to add to your bouquet….and you are not taking them."
EPIPHANY: The flowers are not hidden in a cave. They are not in some wild, untrodden land that I cannot find or learn about fast enough. They are in front of my face. They are within an arms distance. I do not have to win this love. I do not have to work for it. But, I do have to trust. And sometimes that is very, very hard.
It is so easy to listen to the world. To listen to voices I am used to hearing. It is easy to think that I do not deserve an unending love. It is extremely easy to think that the gifts run out, or that I am not worthy of getting them anymore. The truth is that the flowers do not stop coming. I believe that I will get a full bouquet…start handing my flowers out…and then get new ones :) Actually, he told me that part too. OH what a beautiful thing. He never tires of helping us. He's always there. But he can't give me flowers if my hands are busy holding weeds. (If my metaphorical speaking is hard to follow, the weeds are lies.)
He can't fill me with truth, if I'm busy listening to lies. I thought I had already taken the necessary steps to get rid of my angst. (as if there is a formula, ugh)… I prayed. I prayed some more. I repented, and read. I had my friend pray for me. I yelled upward a few times. But, I left a loophole. I wasn't being completely transparent. I wasn't trusting him. Not completely. I reverted backward. Oh how we are like infants sometimes. I was saying yes, you are big, I get that. But you only have your hand on the good things in my life…not the hard things, or seemingly bad things. UM HELLO. I GAVE HIM MY WHOLE LIFE!!!! Why the heck am I trying to take some of it back and not let him touch it. Who knows…but tonight, I am handing it back over.
And I am excited to watch my bouquet grow.
James 1: 2-4
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.