Friday, April 17, 2015

Oh, selfishness

Today I am weary.  I’m sad.  I’m heartbroken.  I’m upset.  And I’m trying to push past all of these feelings, trying to let them roll off of my shoulders and onto the floor.  I’m trying to force logic and reasoning onto all of things that don’t make any sense in my life.  And I can try all day, and all week, and all year.  But I’m never going to figure it out.  

Oh, perspective.  I wish I could be like Job in the bible, but I know that I’m not like him.  Not yet.  Things get a little shaky in my life and I feel like leaf on a tree in an autumn wind storm.  I forget who I am attached to, who I can lean on, who I am.  I get spinny and shaky and trembly.  Thank goodness I have a GOOD FATHER.  He grabs my face and my heart and reminds me when I forget.  

When Shai was born it was VERY possible that she was not going to be with us very long on this earth.  I ran out of that big hospital onto the sidewalk, I stood there broken and crying, and I made every pact you can think of with the first real love of my life.  PLEASE LET ME KNOW HER!!!! Please let me see her get a little bigger.  Please. Please, even if it’s only a little longer, let me have her.  AND HE DID. I should live every waking moment of my life out of that reality.  He answered me.  Over and over and over.  He blessed me, and molded me, and shaped me, and grew me.  He met me.  

And He still does, ALL THE TIME. 

Sometimes, we don’t see healing.  Sometimes we don’t understand.  This doesn’t change the goodness of God.  This doesn’t change His character, it doesn’t change His plans, or thoughts towards us.  It can change us though, it can ruin us.  We can get spinny, and shaky, and trembly, and forget WHOSE we are.   

I, or, uh, we, can be selfish.  Forgetting what we DO HAVE, and focusing on what we DON’T HAVE.  I have MORE than enough.  And when I don’t have what I need in the moment, He surrounds me with people that do.

Lord forgive me for being selfish.  For focusing on what I do not have, and not being thankful for all that I do have.  Forgive me for being prideful.  For expecting provision to look a certain way, not taking it any way that it comes.  I will be thankful and glad, even in trial, for YOU ARE FAITHFUL, AND JUST, AND GOOD!  I will expect to see miracles at the sound of your name, and I will throw my unknowingness at your feet!  YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN ENOUGH!  

Thank you more times than I have words to say.  Please keep changing me.  Amen.

Matthew 7:10-12New King James Version (NKJV)

10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! 12 Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Matthew 6:25-31

Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?
28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.


  1. Thank you. I needed this today...most days, lately.

    1. Thank you for commenting! It's so hard to say the truth out loud sometimes. Prayers for you!!!

  2. Kara, after a good long while of not logging onto my blog, I did today, and when I saw your blog under my follow list, even though it was an old post, I had to pop over for another read. Man. Tears. Thank you for you honesty, your truth. I find myself often shaking like an autumn leaf, and I have to remind myself through the difficulty and tears to still thank God, for I know He is there, and I know that even through the hard parts (especially the hard parts) that He is helping me grow. So thank you for your words. It is humbling to know that there are others out there up on that branch. You are so beautiful…sending my love and thanks to God for you today.