Humble pie. I'll eat it.

I often ask for God to MAKE me humble.

I pray it all the time. 

In the car, in passing, before bed.

MAKE me humble.

“Do it, God.”  Is the demanding voice in my head.

He is so so so patient, and good.

Today I was in the shower, shaving my legs, where so many epiphanies make their way into my heart.  

“You can only be as humble, as you are vulnerable.”

WHAT?!?!

I have to give up something for this humbleness?!  I have to open up? I have to be transparent?  I have to expose the things that haunt me..I have to be honest…I have to be vulnerable?  Well, crap.

Ok, I still want it.  I want to be humble.  I want to have open arms.  I want to be different than I’ve seen, and different than I know now.  I WANT IT.

You can have it. My pride. My insecurities.  Me.  YOU CAN HAVE ALL OF IT.  You can have my doubts, and fears, and dreams, yes you can have my dreams, and my happiness.  I WANT YOUR HOLINESS. I WANT IT!!!!

You can have my parenting, my control, my patterns, and cycles.  You can have my perspective.  You can have my timelines, and my fantasies.  Please, come in, have them. 

And I’m so sorry when I don’t believe you.  I am sorry for listening to lies.  I am sorry for believing in your goodness only for others.  I am sorry for getting caught up in material things.  I am sorry for being impatient.  

amen.