When I think of being with someone forever, I think of things like post-it note love letters, I think of romance, and laughing, of whispering sweet nothings, and having longing gazes. Frick, that sounds cheesy. I would be good at post-it note love letters. I do ponder these things. But when I really imagine a relationship, I think about the inside. I think looks are fleeting, and beauty is vain. I think I want to like someone down to their decisions, actions, being. I think, what if I got in a car accident and my face was not recognizable. I realize that this is possibly morbid and maybe sounds a little weird or sad. But I literally think about these things… that it's much more important to have a mutual likeness and understanding (as well as Jesus) that goes so far beyond attraction and chemistry.
And even more than all of this(not more than Jesus, nothing more than Jesus), I think of sticking it through. I think of persevering in hardship. I think of being in waist high mud, with no way out, and still saying yes. I think of someone looking at me in a dark hour, with a shadow on my face, and saying, yes. Still yes. And I think, do I have what it takes to do that?! Do I have a yes in the dark hours, in the rough, unpredictable stuff?
I had a dear friend present to me recently, a couple "prospects" in the dating world. I just read that back and laughed out loud. She was describing them, saying things like, "they are hot" "they have their stuff together" "they are tall". I just remember staring at her, wanting to be respectful, but also kind of shaking inside in indignation. I could give a shit. When I'm honest, when I'm authentic, I could give a rip. I don't want hot. I want humble. I don't want stuff to be together, I want heaven minded.
I am blaming all of this relationship/romance pondering on spring. Love is in the air this year. sheesh. Probably more accurately, lust is in the air. I digress.
I recently gave a friend of mine some very good advice. And on the trend of being authentic, it was advice that I was not even listening to for myself in the moment.
The advice was that a relationship could not satisfy or fulfill my friend. That a relationship, even if this person was her husband, would not sustain her. She was convinced that she could not lose this person. And I proclaimed, YOU COULD!! (they were not her husband by the way). I said, "You only really actually need Jesus." But I KNOW that HE is GOOD enough to give you exactly what you really need. And will. I continued to say, "Thank you Jesus, that you love us enough to tear us down, to build us back up, thank you that you want us dependent on you, because you CAN fulfill us." THAT IS BEAUTIFUL, and so so true!
Maybe you already know this (whoever you could be, reading this)….but it's pretty freaking profound.
My wise friend said the other day, Jesus is so good, that even His "No's" are good. ALSO PROFOUND. He is the ultimate guider, protecter, pursuer. If He tells us "no" it is for a darn good reason, even if we aren't allowed to know that reason.
I had an encounter the other day…where I had this really vivid vision. Actually, honestly, it was more like I was there. I was at the scene of Jesus being crucified. It was the most intense, insane experience. I could see Him. I was about 100 feet away. He looked over at me, and I felt Him say, "this wasn't for half of your redemption."
an act of redeeming or atoning for a fault or mistake, or the state of being redeemed.
Theology . deliverance from sin; salvation.
atonement for guilt.
repurchase, as of something sold.
As I prayed and thought even more on this vision, He said, "It wasn't even for 98%." HE WANTS TO COMPLETELY REDEEM MY LIFE. Every facet, piece, dark corner. He wants to paint on every dream, thought, plan. That's a fact. Am I going to let Him?
I am reading Spirit Wars by Kris Vallotton. There are a couple different times He says, "We need to know who we are, and WHO's we are." That is where my identity comes from. Hopefully from nowhere else.
I'm writing today because I needed to say this stuff out loud. That I'm HIS. That I believe His redemption is 100%. That He is good in His yes and His no. That I want it all. That I only want Him. Really, truly. That I'm sorry for flirting with anything short of His plans. That I trust Him.