Clover turns 5.

um, woah. 

Exactly 5 years ago to this day and exact time I was eagerly awaiting a little angel inside my belly.  I couldn't sleep because I had an appointment to have a C-section the next morning.  I had taken shower, packed my bag, checked my bag 4 times over, and gone pee approximately 8 times. 

I laid in bed, smiling, with tears welling up, elated, like a kid before Disneyland, or Christmas.  I was excited.  There is absolutely nothing that compares to meeting your baby for the first time.

I had the smallest twinge of discontentment, knowing that I had "chosen" my daughters date of arrival.  Some part of me wanted the surprise…the God-given, spontaneous, actual due-day.

Right around Midnight on February 11th, 2008, I got my wish, my secret prayer.  I got up to go pee for the 9th time, and my water broke.  This was the day, no matter what, that this punkin would come into the world.

They held off my labor, and we had our beautiful girl around 8:30am.  She was perfect.  Just like her sister.  She was round, with a ton of hair, looked like her Mama, and was hungry. 

I can't believe 5 years have gone by so swiftly.  Some of them have been long, hard years.  Still, so fast.   

Tonight I am humbled, and ever so grateful.  Saying I am blessed does not touch my feelings in the slightest that I get to be a Mama to my girls. When I say there are no words to describe my thankful heart, I mean just that.  I do not know words that could encapsulate a love this huge.

I was a tad worried that if we named her Chloe, I wouldn't have an acceptable, adorable nickname that would be enough to my liking.  I was wrong.

My little angel was crawling around at the very young age of 5 1/2 months, and I just spurted out one day, "Clover, get back here"….CLOVER.  Oh how I wished we had thought of that first.  Just kidding, kind of. 

Oh My Clover. 

You are a heart melter.
You are the sweetest thing.
You are soft.
You are giving.
You are like a spring morning, refreshing, and new.
You bring light with your footsteps.
You encapsulate childlike faith. (I think you always will)
You could get anything with those eyes of yours.
No, I don't mind if you still suck your thumb.
When you grow up you want to be an angel that gives people money. (that's a quote)
You are the light of my life.
I am eternally grateful for you.
You are FREE.
You pray for people spontaneously.
You are a helper.
You are strong.
You are created for worship, and know it.

You make me appreciate life with your every breath.  You show me beauty in ways I have never known.  YOU are my favorite.

Happy 5th Birthday Chloe.  I love you with all my heart.

xoxo

Mama

living beyond my means.

Some days I just want to put all of my belongings out on the curb, Tell my landlord I'm moving out, pull my kids out of school, start hitchhiking everywhere, and begin each morning not knowing where I'll end up at the end of the day.

If I wasn't used to being a civilized person, and maybe wasn't solely responsible for my babies, this might be a reality.

You might be laughing that I just called myself civilized.  I may have exaggerated a smidgen.

When I was married, my husband would tell me that I gave too much away, that I wanted to share too much.  He would say things like, "you can't trust everyone."…."We don't have enough to give."   NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.  Those statements made my hair stand on end.  One could argue that we didn't have "a lot" to some standards.  I knew somewhere inside of me this was wrong.  And I know now that I am nowhere close to where I am going to be, or where I am called to be when it comes to giving.  I have this vision that everything that I receive into my hands leaves instantly and multiplies as it goes out of my possession.  The vision is about monetary items, as well as knowledge.  That's an intimidating vision.  It's kind of one I don't want to tell people out loud that I'm having.  My life doesn't line up with it.  

Epiphany of the day:  The same spirit that whispers and screams to me "reckless abandon"…is the same spirit that planted a seed in me to be different.  It's that spirit that calls out my faith and says trust me enough in the morning to handle whatever may come.  Believe me enough that you would pack your things on the curb.  Give even what you don't have already.  Listen to me.

I look around and see people with back up insurance for their insurance plans.  Sometimes I think about my kids education and I get a little worried that in this moment I am not prepared to provide for them when the time comes.  But then I get a tap on the heart and He shows me the truth…

That showing my kids to live with reckless abandon and unheard of faith is the only insurance that they will ever need.  That by chasing Jesus, by calling on HIM they will be wise, and no amount of money, or books, or college will ever get them that wisdom.

So today, I am encouraged to believe beyond my means….to completely blindly fall into whatever He would have for me.  Even if I have to give my whole self to do it. 

.Break every chain.

I am staying at my sisters house for the week.  It is warm and cozy and inviting.  It’s one of my favorite places because I am reunited with my family here.  I love them.

I feel like God has promised me so much when it comes to them.  I believe that He can heal our broken hearts, that He can show us how to love.  That He can help us to be the family that He created us to be. 

My kids woke me up around 7 to make them breakfast.  7am is not the time to wake up when you are on vacation :)….So I made them something to eat, and laid back down on the couch.  I drifted in and out of dreams all snuggled up on my sisters “little couch” the one that fits me perfectly.  As I went in and out of sleep…. I heard the hum of my kids laughter, chatter, and the bustle of everyone else getting ready to leave. 

So around 9am, which is a much more rational time to wake up on a day off…I was pulled out of my dreams by a beautiful sound.

My kids were harmonizing with each other…..and singing, “Break every chain, break every chain…….break every chain…….”

The reality that my kids were releasing these words into this house…..over my family….into their lives.  Made me turn into a big sappy grateful puddle.

And I sat there on that couch….and I just said thank you…thank you Jesus…thank you for breaking the chains of bondage, thank you for breaking the generational crap, thank you for making us new…..and I saw us ripping the chains off….

But then He stepped in and corrected me…in the middle of my vision of us ripping our chains off and slamming them to the ground….

He showed me the truth.  That actually, He comes in, walks right up to us…and removes the chains like the guy at the movie theatre moving that felt barrier when you are standing in line.  He just simply comes up, takes the poky jagged hook, out of the hole in you…..and it just falls away.  He does it.  Not me.  Not you.  Just ASK.

I’m all about that….Jesus…come on in….Break every chain….

Thank you. Amen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6ncg2pLYks

You have given me more than I could ever have wanted. THANK YOU.

My love for photography started at a very young age.  Besides being a Mama, it has been my greatest passion.  My happy place has been behind my camera.  I love seeing people smile.  I love capturing Gods creation.  I love the challenge, the beauty, the moments.  I love holding a tangible piece of history.  I LOVE freckles, and laughter, and wrinkles, and profiles.  I love accidents.  I love crooked compositions, and ugly laughs.  I love when the inside of someone shows up on the outside….


A few years ago I listened to an amazing woman recall a beautiful moment in her life.  She started by speaking of a time when she sang her heart out to God at a young age.  She dreamed her biggest dream for her life at age 15, and sang…"You have, given me more than I could ever have wanted, and I want, to give you my heart and my soul…"  She shouts this song to God at this young age, dreaming her big dreams, and 15 years or so later, she's singing the same song in worship, and everything she dreamed that day has come true.

I listened to her recall those moments with tears in my eyes.  Knowing, that her TRUST in God, let His faithfulness shine so brightly through her life. 

And somewhere deep inside of me, I knew I wanted a trust like that.  I knew that I wanted to trust God when I had nothing, for everything that I could possibly want.  Not so that I could have the end result, what I "wanted".  But so that I could know the fullness of trusting Him.

And I'm pretty sure that that longing inside of me, turned into a meekly presented prayer to Jesus.  And my life started changing, pretty rapidly.

I always believed in God.  But I did not always trust Him.  I didn't really know how to.  I wanted to put Him first, above everything. I knew I needed to, longed to, but I had no idea what that looked like.  I didn't know where to begin. 

So I just said it.  In my head.  I want that.  I want to trust you.  I want to believe you, I believe you.  I will choose you before I choose anything else.  I said it.  I admitted that I didn't know how, but I also admitted that I wanted it. Over and over.

Fast forward to now.

I had my wildest dream moment.  I was recognized publicly for the one thing I ALWAYS DREAMED of doing.  I live my dream life! I have my dream job!  And I got an award for it!  How crazy is that??!!  Five years ago, three years ago, one year ago, I would have lost the bet that this would EVER happen.  And let me just say that this blog is not about winning an award.  It's just a marker, and sign, (like a cherry on top) of HIS COMPLETE FAITHFULNESS shining through my life.  This is just 1 of a thousand things that have come together these past few years, none out of my own strength. 

I can be sitting, smiling, in a room with friends, and all of a sudden I will just LOSE it and start bawling.  I cry because I am completely overwhelmed by Gods goodness in my life.  It literally brings me to my knees.  A lot.  

I have had some messy situations in this lifetime.  All consequences of my own actions.  But He doesn't care about that.   He doesn't care that I'm not a great business person.  He doesn't mind that I'm not the most organized.  He created me to dream, and want to capture people, and has laid the path before me for that to happen.  He has given me the most wonderful friends, that come along side, and speak truth when I can't see it. 

And I am just SO thankful.  And I'm so in awe.  And I'm so overwhelmed.  And I TRUST HIM.  And I'm excited for what's next.  Because I know that it will be good. 

"You are my bride..." #2

I hear it again, "You are my bride.."

and I see a wedding ceremony.

A bride beaming up at her Groom...ready,eager….not to put a ring on his finger....but to put her heart in his hands.

She trusts him. She believes him.  She grabs onto the promises leaving his lips and places them into the protected places of her heart.  They fit there.  She knows that he is for her, and she is not worried about it being any other way.  With him, she knows she is beautiful.  She is special.  She is longed for.  She is adored.  She is protected.  She has purpose.

and I know in this moment that He is saying that to me.

"YOU ARE MY BRIDE"….

We let fear, rejection, doubt, and many other things cloud his words, mask his promises.  Even in this analogy I think of failed marriages.  I know a thing or two about that. 

The thing is, He doesn't change, we do.

You always hear in church, that the Bible is the "Love letter" to us.  I felt like tonight in my vision in my kitchen, while simply putting crackers away...He was saying, "My promises do not fail, they never falter, you can put your very life on it."  "It's ok."  "Choose me always."   And I felt like he was giving me another glimpse into this whole bride thing, and telling me that if I am a bride, I can and should act like it.  Maybe I should walk in faith and DECLARE the things that He is, even when I don't know how to believe in them…..I'm learning….He's becoming more real than the world and beliefs that I'm accustomed to. 

And I felt like I just wanted to play that game where you fall backwards and you trust that the person will catch you….except I KNEW with everything in me that I would be caught by Him every time. 

As I'm writing this, I realize that when I know it's Him speaking or moving….I always say, "I knew it with everything in me."  It's the only way I can express how much I know it down in my soul.  There is nothing else to compare it to, there is nothing tangible that comes close.  The only other thing I would ever describe that way is loving my children.  It's the only other thing "I know with everything in me." 

So yeah, I will choose to hold fast to the promises that He has spoken to me…I believe that he will heal me right up (and I will extend this over my family because I can)…I believe that I will have a life and a love like I have never known (because He told me).  And when it doesn't look like it, or the winds blow the wrong way, or I get scared…I will remember He has already done it.  YES and AMEN!  

A place to worship.

"Kara, are you creating a place to worship?"

I don't usually have a problem throwing my hands up towards the sky and whispering, or crying, or shouting to Jesus.  Whether it be at church, or out of my car window, or at my desk, or in my kitchen…they will just instinctively raise, and I will declare that he is my King, and worthy of praise.  Because HE IS.

But lately I feel a little stiff.  I feel a little, "second guessy."  A couple weeks ago, I knew that God was propelling me into a new season, one where walls would be broken down and shattered on the ground.  One where my box would be opened up, and I would be asked to jump out from a UPS parcel post to a planet.  It's a big shift.  It's a blow your mind, answer your dreams, heal your family, rock your world, challenge your being shift.  And I thought I was ready.  And I will be.

But seasons like this bring attacks.  Because Satan will use anything he can to keep me in that box.  And I don't know who reads this, and sometimes I freak out that I talk about God, and Jesus, and Satan, and sometimes I worry I sound a bit nuts, and maybe like I'm writing a fiction novel.  But the truth is, I'm not.  And the truth is the master deceiver would want me to spin in lies and fall into insecurity, and fall away to past thoughts and drag me right through the dirt that I've already crawled through. 

NO THANKS.  In Jesus name, you can back off.

I already know that I worship a God of second chances, that makes me clean when I ask for forgiveness.  Even if I have to do it daily.  Even if I have to bow my head and say I messed up.  Even if I get insecure and "trash think" my life.  Even when I second guess my friendships, my relationships, my parenting, and my role in this world. 

So I'm bowing down, and saying sorry…Please forgive me.

Thank you for the endless gifts of friendship that you have given me.  Thank you for making my mistakes sparkle with promise.  Thank you for making me a Mommy.  Thank you for making me a daughter.  Thank you for making me a sister.  Thank you for making me a photographer.  Thank you for telling me my life will be like nothing I've seen before.  I will cling to that promise.  Thank you for making me a "wife in waiting"…I hate admitting that, because I'd like to think I'll be fine if I'm never married again, and maybe I will be…but I WANT to be married, so thank you.

Tonight I sat in my doubt that felt like quick sand and wondered what the heck was going on.  I wondered why I couldn't imagine praying out loud, why I was bouncing between what He tells me is true and what the world says is true.  And He said, "Kara, are you creating a place to worship?"   Are you bringing me with you wherever you go?  Are you actually seeking me in all you do?  Honest answer: NO.  But guess what, I get to say yes now….I get to say help, and I get to ask! 

So Jesus, have your way!!! In my life, my decisions, my friendships, my career, my church, my everything…HAVE YOUR WAY!

Amen.
  

You know me.

I just got back from being at the ocean (pretty much my favorite place).  With one of my best friends, and her precious baby (so 2 of my favorite people on the planet).  And my kids (my absolute favorite people on the planet). 

Life is sweet.

I am humbled.  

I had put my phone down on the beach today, because I just wanted to soak my kids up, and not focus on taking pictures.  And then I realized that they were being so cute I had to capture it so I could look again tomorrow and remember just how sweet those moments were.  MY KIDS ARE STUNNING.  They are fiery and spontaneous, and they love adventure, and they speak their minds.  But mostly, they remind me to believe in GOD.  Sometimes they remind me by reveling in all of His greatness…. talking endlessly of His creation as they just purely ENJOY it all.  Laying face down in the sand and rubbing it through their fingers.  Catching shrimp in the shallow waves.  Looking up at the heavens and squealing with joy.  THEY KNOW HIM.  I stood watching them in of their delight, thinking, I want to live my life like this.  I want to run with open arms to the plan that He has for me, I want to shout with joy and dive in…Or as Chloe exclaims, "kick and punch" the waves!.  I say yes to the freedom that they had today, because I believe that I can have it. 

I had an epiphany today.  Gosh, I love it when that happens.

I came home and was casually looking through the pictures.  I stopped on one of Shai jumping in the waves.  I hardly ever notice that my daughter has 1 finger on her left hand.  I mean, it's a fact, so sometimes I remember, but I don't really NOTICE it.  And in the picture, my eye went right to it.  And then I heard a voice that I know pretty well in my head…."She is perfect." 

She is perfect.  She is the exactly the way she was created to be.  She was made in the image of Him.  She is exactly perfect.  Some might call her flawed.  She isn't. 

You ready for this?

So am I.  Even when I get insecure, even when I stumble…. when I look to Him, I am exactly who I am supposed to be.  Even if it isn't "normal".  Even if it doesn't go with the crowd.  Even if it doesn't fit into the pre-packaged box, or look like the mold from the factory.  Even when I mess it up, or dirty the water….He still says, I am perfect.  Exactly perfect as the one HE MADE ME. 

I have the song You Know Me by Stephanie Frizzell on repeat in my house…

In the lyrics she sings, 

you hung the stars, and you move the sea,
and still you know me

YOU KNOW ME

nothing is hidden from your sight
wherever I go, you find me

you know every detail of my life,
and you are good, and you don't miss a thing

You've memorized me.

HE HAS MEMORIZED ME!!!!!! And still chooses to use me, and talk to me, and see me!  Oh how I love HIM.  Oh how I feel redeemed! 


He calls me LOVELY…and I can't deny that when I know how I feel about my precious baby.  And it's not a joke when I say that it's the cutest finger I've ever seen. (it is!)

Oh Jesus, show me the flaws that aren't really flaws and help me to live like I am exactly who I'm supposed to be.  I'll run with my arms wide open to that.

Amen.