.Enjoying.

I have extremely adorable children.

Some days I just can't help but stare at them with absolute wonder, and a tear in my eye (ok about 20 tears).  I can't help but remember the smell of their head.  I always seem to remember the first time I smelled them, new and perfect.  And then my mind goes through a series of smells, like baby lotion and rice cereal, formula (it's a love/hate), the smell of their fingers when they are putting everything in their mouths (also love/hate), the smell of that nighttime shampoo, that doesn't put them to sleep at all, but does in fact smell like a dream.  I somehow always end up at sunshine, and a little bit of dirt. 

I ENJOYED my children today.  I think I do everyday, but maybe not to the extent of today.  I enjoyed them above everything else and it was just so sweet.

We had laughter in the car.  We had a story from Shai, that ended, "and then my friend was headlighted…meaning (lightheaded)"  I almost had to pull over. 

We had homemade dinner, which included a very serious debate on why the opposite ends of asparagus are better…Chloe likes the "flowers", and Shai likes the bottom.  Chloe also told me that asparagus is healthy because it tastes like salt, and a little bit of sour. 

Shai is the "Special Student" this week in her class.  We spent our evening making a picture collage, and I got to watch them be delighted by their baby pictures.  They were laughing at memories, and at each other.  I was just taking it all in as an outsider in a still lump….trying not to bawl and just being so thankful for how blessed I am. 

I also got Shais report card today, she asked me if she got A's.  I explained to her that she doesn't get A's yet, but her report card was pretty much perfect.  It was, and she is ahead in all subjects.  I can't help but beam at her diligence, and I also can't help but flash back to the day that I cried out to Jesus that I wanted her brain. 

So I'm tucking them in, and Chloe's woobie (blanket) is out of the dryer and smells amazing, and she shouts, "I just love the warmness!"  And I just sit in between them and revel at this life I'm living. 

And then I lean over Shai, and look at her not-so-little girl face, I'm going to kiss her, but I just stare.  I can't help myself.  This is my BABY.  My baby that is so obviously not a baby.  She is still just as beautiful as the first time I saw her.  She's got a little wisdom behind those green eyes now.  I can't help it, and the tears well up.  She says, "Is something wrong, Mom?"…and I say, "You know when you see a new baby, or hold a puppy or kitten, and you almost just want to cry at how cute they are?"  And she gets it.  She pulls me down for a hug, and I tell her I love her.  And she insists that she loves me more.  She's wrong.  

Finally they are in for the night and Chloe yells emphatically, "I just want to KNOW how GOD is changing the world!!"

I'm pretty sure I know how. 

Surrendered.

Sometimes life hurts.  Sometimes your past makes you sad.  Sometimes you feel like you have no control.  Sometimes the holes in your family, in your life, in your heart feel too big to be put back together.  I'm glad for me, it's only sometimes.

I surrendered tonight….

I surrendered to the truth that I was created for a purpose, that we all were, even if we don't realize it.  I surrendered to the fact that I serve a God that holds the world in His hands. 

I was hurting, I am hurting.  I have this pull in my soul that tells me that family is supposed to be close.  Supposed to be community, supposed to be unconditional.

And I want that.  I want it so bad.  I am willing to fight for it. 

Sometimes I forget to say yes.  Sometimes I forget that He has so much planned.  Sometimes I forget that he cares enough about me.  uugghhhhh.  He does….it breaks His heart when I forget. 

I surrendered tonight and lifted my hands in my room, and let tears stream down my face, and yelled out loud that I wanted His reality, that I believed his plans for my family and my life.

And then Chloe woke up (probably because I was literally crying out loud) and I felt her behind me, and scooped her up, and rocked her.  And her little head fit right in between my collar bone and my chin.  She laid on me and she fit so perfectly, just like I do with Him. 

And wouldn't you know, He had more to tell me, and now that I was listening…He could. 

I stopped sobbing, and just reveled at how amazing my cute little girl is.  She looked into my eyes and told me she needed water.  Of course I jumped up and brought her to the counter, sat her down gently, and gave her a pretty full glass of water.  She looked at me sweetly and said, "Is it ok if I drink it all??" 

EPIPHANY:  He doesn't have a tiny glass of water for me,  He doesn't take his water away, and there's plenty more water where that came from.

I'll take the waterfall.  I'll take the MIRACLES, I'll take the HEALING, I'll take the RESTORATION, IN JESUS name, I'll take it.  AMEN.




This song by Phil Wickham is my cry tonight.  And is it ironic that I chose the color "ocean" without even knowing it at first.  No, it's perfect.  I highly recommend listening (link at bottom)

If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I want to reflect the light
That shines from You
And if this is war
Then I'm gonna draw my sword
This time I know what I'm fighting for

God I wanna let You know
I want everything You are
I'm waiting for the morning light
To show a fire in the dark

Shine Your light
I want to feel You now
God I need a miracle
Take my heart, make it glow
Shine Your light
From the inside out
I wanna be more like You
If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I wanna be the moon

If love is a choice
Then I need You to hear my voice
I'm the one knocking on Your door
Making all this noise
Whatever it takes
I'd give it all away
I want to show my love in a thousand ways

God I want to let You know
I love everything You are
I'm waiting for the morning light
To show a fire in the dark

Shine Your light
I want to feel You now
God I need a miracle
Take my heart, make it glow
Shine Your light
From the inside out
I wanna be more like You
If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon

And I can't live a single day without You
And I don't even want to try
And I won't take another step without Your light
I need Your light

Shine
I want to feel You now
God I need a miracle
So take my heart, make it glow
Shine Your light
From the inside out
I wanna be more like You
If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I wanna be more like You
I wanna be more like You
I wanna be the moon

If You are the sun
Then I wanna be the moon
I want to reflect the light
That shines from You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rl_3WHW1Tco

I got my Daddy's grin.

 If you know my Dad, you know I look like him.  Truth is, I act like him every once and awhile too.  This is a few sweet little memories I jotted down as a poem/song. 

I got my Daddy's grin
Oh yes I did

And there sure is plenty more
where that came from

I got his hands, yeah
They got lines like his

And I walk with a smile in my step.

I like my coffee dark
and the windows down

I like to drive around in a sleepy town
and turn my headlights off in the moonlight

I walk a little proud
and I talk a little loud

But you just might sure know
what I'm thinking

And if a storm was on its way
I would say, put your umbrella away
cus I need to feel that rain upon my face.

say YES.

It has been a strange couple of weeks.  To the worlds standards, my life has been a bit of a mess.  To the naked eye, it might look a little 'fall-apart-ish.'

I'm so thankful I have Jesus.

Sometimes I forget to pray.  It's so simple, yet I get caught in my own thoughts, spinning in my own stuff, and I forget.  And then when I remember to pray He meets me and clings to me, and sings to me, and tells me He misses me, and I get all lost in wonder with Him again, and I don't know how I have forgotten to hang out with Him all day.

I'm rambling. anyway...

I'm writing out of faith today.  Because I want to write about these BIG things that God is telling me, even though on paper, I am just sort of....'fall-apart-ish.'

He is saying...

Kara, say YES!

And I am sort of saying...oh that is scary, how do I say yes to your bigness when I am oh so small.  But here I am, writing this blog, to my 2 friends that will probably read it, and this is my version of screaming into the universe...YES!!!!

I LONG for a simple life.  I YEARN for it.  For a wrap-around deck, and a horse, and wild free running children.  I also long for a life that looks like nothing I've seen before, and a crazy world changing mindset.  These are things that are inside of me.  Things I sometimes suppress because they feel unattainable and far away.

But not today.

My Mom had this vision of having a camp with a bunch of horses.  The camp would be designed for the physically and mentally handicapped.  They would get to come and ride and experience nature and animals.  It was a big amazing dream that never happened (or hasn't yet.)

And somewhere inside of me there is a similar dream.  I have been having baby fever lately.  A tad awkward since I am not married, and am not in a position to have a child.  And I am so thankful I have amazing babies in my life, and my friends are popping out kids that I get to love on....but I really have an ache to have my own baby.  This is the part of the blog where I want to shut this laptop and act like these dreams to not live inside of me.  But honesty is a good good thing so I will keep typing.

I have this vision of me, on a big huge open deck, with property in front of me...a baby on my hip and a bunch of babies running around...like an orphanage maybe...and I don't know the details...I just know that I want it to be true.  So if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen...but I am saying YES to the possibility.  

I am believing today that I can have a house in the country.  I am believing that I might get remarried and have more babies, or adopt babies.  I am believing today that I might get to do photography strictly as a ministry in the future.  I am saying YES today in all of my smallness, in all of my brokenness, to the BIG BIG BIGNESS of God to move in my life. 

Amen.

In His own words. who knew.

I wrote this a few weeks ago.  Doubt, unbelief, and probably a little shame made me hesitate from posting it.  I don't need those downers, and neither do you.  I can't deny that he speaks to me, as crazy as it is, or how unworthy I might feel to be the recipient...doesn't change that it is my reality.  So here it is:

My friend was getting ready to go on a retreat with high school girls.  She was letting me in on some of the details…she shared that sometime over the weekend, they would be writing a letter FROM God. 

I have written many letters TO God.

And I have heard him speak to me.  So I know he does.  Loud and clear.  But, I would never be so presumptuous to actually start penning a letter "FROM Him".

Until he told me to.

Kara, You are brave.  You are kind.  You are strong.  You are like nothing I've ever made or seen before.  You are love, you are compassion.  You are knitted together with an everlasting love.  You are capable.  You are the only YOU.  You are exactly what I want you to be.  You are mine.  I do not make mistakes.  I do not give up.  I do not run out.  My hands are a sacred place for your heart to rest.

I will not stop pursuing you.  I will not stop woo-ing you. 

Trust in me. 

I challenge you to write a letter from God.  I promise that if you ask with an open, willing, believing heart…he will give you HIS words.  And there aren't any sweeter.

I have been praying for patience.  And by praying I mean…using a screaming tone in my head, and sometimes even out loud that says…. "Please God give me patience or something that resembles peace and me not me losing it."  My children have both been celebrating their independence lately.  Jesus help.

So I have been throwing this patience word around, half trusting that maybe I'll get some…

I'm so glad He meets me where I am.

I was reading my bible in James today…and in the notes it says, "Patience is not a passive resignation to adverse circumstances, but a positive steadfastness that bravely endures."  Aaaa-men!

Passive resignation:  I will try not to scream out loud this time, spank my child out of anger, and half hope that I can simmer down. 

Lame.

Steadfastness that bravely endures:  I will hold my head high, place this circumstance in the hands of the Creator of ALL Things, ask for wisdom, smile at the amazing gifts that I have been given, and be thankful that there is a bigger plan than I could know.  I will know without a shadow of a doubt that even if my 3 year old is screaming, or whining, or testing everything I have known, I WILL KNOW…that I have not failed her.  And even WHEN I do fail her, I lean on HIM who never does. 

Deep breath. We got this.

You feel me?

Epiphany of the day.

Of course it came when I was driving in the car with the windows down.  It just might be the only time I ever completely shut up.

So often, we go off of feelings.  How we are feeling, what something feels like, how we think other people feel.  And often, feelings do not line up with reality.  If you think they do…you are wrong.   Just kidding, it depends on the situation.  But feelings will really trick you, lemme tell ya.

So I was telling Jesus, I'm just not feeling you today…I'm praying, I'm talking, I'm thinking about you…but I'm not feeling you.

And he said….(this is always my favorite part)…

"Think of a marriage." Yup, ok, thinking of a marriage.  "Just because the marriage isn't always happy and butterfly-y, doesn't mean the 2 people in it aren't still married."

BAM.

Truth…just because I wasn't "feeling" him…doesn't mean I can't profess my love, profess my choice, hand my day over….let him know where I'm at. 

and guess what….just how I imagine a wonderful marriage to be, I felt him all over after that...