I glanced into the mirror the other day as I was getting ready. Something caught me off guard. I paused, and had to take a long gaze into my reflection. I looked different. Prettier. Glowy-er. I looked into the same eyes that I have stared at for 27 years and thought, what the heck is different. And then I just knew. I am finally comfortable in my own skin. I am celebrating who I am instead of who I think other people want me to be. I am happy as me, and am ok not putting myself into someone else's mold for fear of rejection.
Consequently, I am just finishing reading God Loves Ugly, by Christa Black. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. Towards the end, she asks that you write a list of what you love about yourself. I have actually felt a tug to do this for quite awhile, always struck with the lie that it seems so conceited…UGH LIE! If I cannot find things that I love about the person I know the most deeply, there is a problem! We are all worthy of loving and being loved. And how can I love fully, if I do not start within. I would never want a friend of mine to miss seeing how incredible they are, I would encourage them to write the longest list.
God told me awhile ago that he was going to heal me right up. His promises never fail.
I love that I am a different kind of Mother than I was taught to be.
I love that I can be wildly sarcastic.
I love that my immaturity makes me relatable to children.
I love that I'm short.
I love my freckles.
I love that I am ultra romantic.
I love that I'm artistic.
I love that I take risks, even when it's hard.
I love that I proclaim my faith in Jesus.
I love that I can fail in front of people.
I love that I am open minded.
I love that I am learning how to give.
I love that I am trying to be athletic.
I love that I can be a dork.
I love my style.
I love my photography.
I love my writing.
I love that I dance for no reason.
I love that I can be a prude.
I love my feet.
I have also felt led to just write "about myself." Just a small summary of what makes me great. Or unique. Or silly. Or dumb. Or maybe just declare some things out loud. Whatever, here it is.
I praise God that I finally chose him back, and that he shows me his reality day by day. I am so thankful that I was picked to parent my two precious babies. I love that the beach heals my soul with just the sight or smell of it. I love that I dream about romance. I love that I have come to appreciate a minivan as my dream car. Oh, how I swore I would not drive a minivan…oh how thankful I am to have a car. That simple lesson is the epitome of understanding what this life is about. Enjoy the journey you get! Enjoy the simple things! Enjoy the trials! Enjoy the lesson, we were made to grow…
I love that I would drop anything to dance in the rain. I love that I can be messy, but freak out when the mess gets too big.
I love history. Anything, or anyone with a story, a memory, or token of wisdom. I love old movies, oh Doris Day, Cary Grant, thank you.
I love running in grass. I LOVE WIND. I love really loud music. I would read 24 hours a day if it was allowed.
I love driving, especially with the windows down. And sometimes, at night, I turn my headlights off on a backroad, just for fun.
I love adventure, even if there is a risk of getting hurt…or lost, or not knowing what the heck you're doing.
My preferred outfit is comfy jeans and a worn in hoodie. As of two months ago, I feel naked without earrings. (this occurred after I poked fun at a friend who never takes hers out.) I would live in flip flops if it was at all practical. I believe in wearing sunscreen.
I love smelling like I've been in the sun. So coconut and vanilla are my favorite. Even in winter.
I love candles burning. I love worship music blaring. I love having people over. I love boardgames. I love card games.
I love that I get a what I call my 10th wind at midnight. I get kooky and crazy and can keep working until 3 in the morning.
I love that I can be extremely spicy, which sometimes includes sassy and sexy. I love that I'm learning to embrace that, and not be scared of it.
I love that I just said love 1500 times. I am excited to add to this list. And I pray that all we find more things to love about ourselves everyday.
Of course I could write a lot of things I don't like about myself. But guess what, I'm not going to. I CHOOSE love.
I love my life. Amen.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Happy Mothers Day Ya-ya's
So I'm writing out Mothers Day cards. And I start thinking of some AMAZING Mothers. OH man, I just sit for a bit and revel in the fact that I know some rockin' women. Powerhouses. Fighters. Women that walk paths that have not been traveled before. And then I think of patience, tenacity, genius, grace, and sheer will. Which of course brings my mind to the yaya's...Lastly I think of unconditional love. This is the thread that holds this group buttoned to the same garment.
Carli Ray. You are first, I think, because you have 4. F-O-U-R. four. That in itself should be enough to get some kind of trophy. I don't have a trophy. But if I did, I promise you would be the recipient. I really LOVE the fact that you have four wildly amazing girls, but that does not make you a great parent. What makes you a great parent… is your tender voice that oozes patience. The same voice that calls out the most endearing nicknames I have ever had the pleasure of hearing. How I feel about your motherly voice is the same way I feel about your beautiful handwriting. It is perfection. Thank you for homeschooling your babies. Thank you for loving them with everything in you. Thank you for being fun. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for being a commander of justice. Thank you for reminding me, that to be a good parent, sometimes you have to remember being a kid. Makes me want to run through the sprinklers. I love you.
Carli. What I love about you being a Mommy, is very similar to what I love about you being a friend. And that is, that you do not waver, from being YOU. In your presence there is always Jesus, worship music, baking, your amazing garden, an open house, the ocean, something involving being loud or carefree. In your presence there is a thick passion for dare and adventure. The best part is, we don't have to leave the couch to feel it. Thank you for naming your babies names that mean something wonderful and powerful. Thank you for loving them before they were ever thought of. Thank you for pollywoggin'. Thank you for being you. Thank you for not caring about dirt, actually encouraging it :) Thank you for the free spirit in you, that you give freely to your kids, and mine. I love you.
Marcelle. Thinking about your parenting, reminds me of watching you eat, or tell a story, or describe a situation. Bottom line, you do it with everything in you, and you do it right. Nothing is left out. I love that about you, and how blessed Meira is for it. You will have the best, but you will also have fun…and sometimes you will just downright let go of the rules. I'll have you know, that every word in the first paragraph of this little note…applies directly to you. The grace you have as a parent, and especially regarding this year of your life…has humbled me to the floor. The innovation that you have shown so that Meira has the life you dream of for her, is a beautiful picture of Jesus' love in my life. Thank you for being part hippie. Thank you for being organic. Thank you for having style. Thank you for being selfless. Thank you for loving the simple things. Thank you for being the one that bought a kid leash. I love you.
Quite honestly, I probably could have written 3 novels….describing what I love about you as Mothers, and friends.
But I really just want to say that you inspire, motivate, and capture me. Happy Mothers Day.
Carli Ray. You are first, I think, because you have 4. F-O-U-R. four. That in itself should be enough to get some kind of trophy. I don't have a trophy. But if I did, I promise you would be the recipient. I really LOVE the fact that you have four wildly amazing girls, but that does not make you a great parent. What makes you a great parent… is your tender voice that oozes patience. The same voice that calls out the most endearing nicknames I have ever had the pleasure of hearing. How I feel about your motherly voice is the same way I feel about your beautiful handwriting. It is perfection. Thank you for homeschooling your babies. Thank you for loving them with everything in you. Thank you for being fun. Thank you for your faith. Thank you for being a commander of justice. Thank you for reminding me, that to be a good parent, sometimes you have to remember being a kid. Makes me want to run through the sprinklers. I love you.
Carli. What I love about you being a Mommy, is very similar to what I love about you being a friend. And that is, that you do not waver, from being YOU. In your presence there is always Jesus, worship music, baking, your amazing garden, an open house, the ocean, something involving being loud or carefree. In your presence there is a thick passion for dare and adventure. The best part is, we don't have to leave the couch to feel it. Thank you for naming your babies names that mean something wonderful and powerful. Thank you for loving them before they were ever thought of. Thank you for pollywoggin'. Thank you for being you. Thank you for not caring about dirt, actually encouraging it :) Thank you for the free spirit in you, that you give freely to your kids, and mine. I love you.
Marcelle. Thinking about your parenting, reminds me of watching you eat, or tell a story, or describe a situation. Bottom line, you do it with everything in you, and you do it right. Nothing is left out. I love that about you, and how blessed Meira is for it. You will have the best, but you will also have fun…and sometimes you will just downright let go of the rules. I'll have you know, that every word in the first paragraph of this little note…applies directly to you. The grace you have as a parent, and especially regarding this year of your life…has humbled me to the floor. The innovation that you have shown so that Meira has the life you dream of for her, is a beautiful picture of Jesus' love in my life. Thank you for being part hippie. Thank you for being organic. Thank you for having style. Thank you for being selfless. Thank you for loving the simple things. Thank you for being the one that bought a kid leash. I love you.
Quite honestly, I probably could have written 3 novels….describing what I love about you as Mothers, and friends.
But I really just want to say that you inspire, motivate, and capture me. Happy Mothers Day.
Monday, April 25, 2011
How does your garden grow.
There was a day that I was in need of prayer (that's every day, but I actually requested it this day). So my friend is praying for me in my kitchen. She has her hand on my back and I am soaking up her words and feeling the holy spirit moving in our presence. Then all of a sudden I am not hearing her words…they just sort of fade away…(she is still speaking)…but my ear is listening to something else. Another voice speaks. YOU are my bride. It was loud, and authoritative, and beautiful. And then it was gone…and my voice was left in my head saying, "um, what? What the heck does that mean?" (At this exact moment) out of the living room the song I walked down the aisle to at my wedding starts blaring from the speakers. This is bigger than I know. A little info about how the song was playing…I did not have that CD in the player, and the actual song is # 6 on the disc. Meaning…my daughter grabbed that CD out of the 125+ that I own, put it into the 3 disc CD player, and turned it to song 6… which is basically impossible to do without any other songs being heard while being skipped. HELLO GOD.
So I prayed about this fascinating bride scenario. I still am. I don't know the whole picture yet. But more has come…
Another day of requested prayer…night actually. Angst is a good word to describe how I was feeling. So there I am getting prayer again. And I see myself holding a bouquet of flowers. My bouquet is very small, puny actually. It feels and looks tiny, unworthy even. And then I see a big hand stretched out before my bouquet with a ton of beautiful, robust, not puny flowers in it. And I hear…"I have all of the flowers, stretched out before you, to add to your bouquet….and you are not taking them."
EPIPHANY: The flowers are not hidden in a cave. They are not in some wild, untrodden land that I cannot find or learn about fast enough. They are in front of my face. They are within an arms distance. I do not have to win this love. I do not have to work for it. But, I do have to trust. And sometimes that is very, very hard.
It is so easy to listen to the world. To listen to voices I am used to hearing. It is easy to think that I do not deserve an unending love. It is extremely easy to think that the gifts run out, or that I am not worthy of getting them anymore. The truth is that the flowers do not stop coming. I believe that I will get a full bouquet…start handing my flowers out…and then get new ones :) Actually, he told me that part too. OH what a beautiful thing. He never tires of helping us. He's always there. But he can't give me flowers if my hands are busy holding weeds. (If my metaphorical speaking is hard to follow, the weeds are lies.)
He can't fill me with truth, if I'm busy listening to lies. I thought I had already taken the necessary steps to get rid of my angst. (as if there is a formula, ugh)… I prayed. I prayed some more. I repented, and read. I had my friend pray for me. I yelled upward a few times. But, I left a loophole. I wasn't being completely transparent. I wasn't trusting him. Not completely. I reverted backward. Oh how we are like infants sometimes. I was saying yes, you are big, I get that. But you only have your hand on the good things in my life…not the hard things, or seemingly bad things. UM HELLO. I GAVE HIM MY WHOLE LIFE!!!! Why the heck am I trying to take some of it back and not let him touch it. Who knows…but tonight, I am handing it back over.
And I am excited to watch my bouquet grow.
James 1: 2-4
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
So I prayed about this fascinating bride scenario. I still am. I don't know the whole picture yet. But more has come…
Another day of requested prayer…night actually. Angst is a good word to describe how I was feeling. So there I am getting prayer again. And I see myself holding a bouquet of flowers. My bouquet is very small, puny actually. It feels and looks tiny, unworthy even. And then I see a big hand stretched out before my bouquet with a ton of beautiful, robust, not puny flowers in it. And I hear…"I have all of the flowers, stretched out before you, to add to your bouquet….and you are not taking them."
EPIPHANY: The flowers are not hidden in a cave. They are not in some wild, untrodden land that I cannot find or learn about fast enough. They are in front of my face. They are within an arms distance. I do not have to win this love. I do not have to work for it. But, I do have to trust. And sometimes that is very, very hard.
It is so easy to listen to the world. To listen to voices I am used to hearing. It is easy to think that I do not deserve an unending love. It is extremely easy to think that the gifts run out, or that I am not worthy of getting them anymore. The truth is that the flowers do not stop coming. I believe that I will get a full bouquet…start handing my flowers out…and then get new ones :) Actually, he told me that part too. OH what a beautiful thing. He never tires of helping us. He's always there. But he can't give me flowers if my hands are busy holding weeds. (If my metaphorical speaking is hard to follow, the weeds are lies.)
He can't fill me with truth, if I'm busy listening to lies. I thought I had already taken the necessary steps to get rid of my angst. (as if there is a formula, ugh)… I prayed. I prayed some more. I repented, and read. I had my friend pray for me. I yelled upward a few times. But, I left a loophole. I wasn't being completely transparent. I wasn't trusting him. Not completely. I reverted backward. Oh how we are like infants sometimes. I was saying yes, you are big, I get that. But you only have your hand on the good things in my life…not the hard things, or seemingly bad things. UM HELLO. I GAVE HIM MY WHOLE LIFE!!!! Why the heck am I trying to take some of it back and not let him touch it. Who knows…but tonight, I am handing it back over.
And I am excited to watch my bouquet grow.
James 1: 2-4
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Restoration.
Disclaimer: I have not been in a relationship with my Mom, Stepdad, and my brother in over 6 years. My brother is 15. Severed is a good word to describe us. The brother part was not by choice. So here's part of my day...
Restoration is on my mind. It is amazing what can happen when we let God be big. I consider myself beyond blessed that I have some very wise people in my life. People that guide me, encourage me, and sometimes just flat out call me on my crap.
Today started with breakfast with some of my favorites. These mornings are filled with a constant love. One that you walk into. It engulfs you when you walk in the door, and you are free to be whatever or whoever you want to be, and whatever that may be…you will be loved. You will be loved in your weakness, in your strength, and everything in between. The only unwritten condition is that you love back. And when it comes to these ladies…boy do I.
So restoration. Later in the day, I was driving through the place I grew up in. My friend needed a ride to pick up a car. I happened to drive by my Step Fathers truck at a creek that we frequented as children (this has not happened in 6 years, it was completely out of the blue). I instantly thought of my little brother, who I'm not allowed to speak to. My mind fluttered with thoughts of the last time I got to see him, hug him, play with him. Then my mind wandered over to the love-fest breakfast. Oh and that wisdom just hit. I long to see him, I miss him, I love him. I don't know how to go about that. That's ok…someone else has bigger plans…(I do not know what they are yet ;). But I trust him. I will pray for messengers…a token I learned from breakfast…
My mind then wandered to my adorable sister calling me last night to re-enact one of our late night past times as kids. Her call was just a sweet reminder of our little inside jokes. That there are some things only sisters share. That our bond started a long time ago…and without us really knowing it. Here's the epiphany….My bond started with my brother the same way…a long time ago, without me knowing it. But it is there. And it is strong. And I don't care what he's been hearing for the past 6 years, I know he remembers it too.
So today, I will trust. I will not believe the lie that things are beyond repair. I will believe that the price was already paid for restoration, and it was the biggest price. And will have faith that God will bring us back, and make us better.
My dear friend also prayed for me tonight, and gave me this scripture…I say amen :)
Joel: 2:25 " I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you."
He restores YEARS, and he restores GREAT DAMAGE…yup, amen.
Restoration is on my mind. It is amazing what can happen when we let God be big. I consider myself beyond blessed that I have some very wise people in my life. People that guide me, encourage me, and sometimes just flat out call me on my crap.
Today started with breakfast with some of my favorites. These mornings are filled with a constant love. One that you walk into. It engulfs you when you walk in the door, and you are free to be whatever or whoever you want to be, and whatever that may be…you will be loved. You will be loved in your weakness, in your strength, and everything in between. The only unwritten condition is that you love back. And when it comes to these ladies…boy do I.
So restoration. Later in the day, I was driving through the place I grew up in. My friend needed a ride to pick up a car. I happened to drive by my Step Fathers truck at a creek that we frequented as children (this has not happened in 6 years, it was completely out of the blue). I instantly thought of my little brother, who I'm not allowed to speak to. My mind fluttered with thoughts of the last time I got to see him, hug him, play with him. Then my mind wandered over to the love-fest breakfast. Oh and that wisdom just hit. I long to see him, I miss him, I love him. I don't know how to go about that. That's ok…someone else has bigger plans…(I do not know what they are yet ;). But I trust him. I will pray for messengers…a token I learned from breakfast…
My mind then wandered to my adorable sister calling me last night to re-enact one of our late night past times as kids. Her call was just a sweet reminder of our little inside jokes. That there are some things only sisters share. That our bond started a long time ago…and without us really knowing it. Here's the epiphany….My bond started with my brother the same way…a long time ago, without me knowing it. But it is there. And it is strong. And I don't care what he's been hearing for the past 6 years, I know he remembers it too.
So today, I will trust. I will not believe the lie that things are beyond repair. I will believe that the price was already paid for restoration, and it was the biggest price. And will have faith that God will bring us back, and make us better.
My dear friend also prayed for me tonight, and gave me this scripture…I say amen :)
Joel: 2:25 " I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you."
He restores YEARS, and he restores GREAT DAMAGE…yup, amen.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Celebrating Kohan.
A few hours earlier that day I received a phone call that sounded like this. A tad bit anxious sister: "I think it's time to go the hospital!" Me: "What? oh my goodness, what do you need, what do you want me to do?" Shlee: "Call the people, and we'll see you there." …She then went into a small rant exclaiming that I had not warned her about the pain that comes with child birth. I assure those of you reading, I did.
People can tell you about immense pain and strain of contractions. But until you are there yourself you cannot fully comprehend the extent. I knew that my Shlee was expecting a baby, but much like those contractions….you cannot emotionally prepare for the moment your baby sister brings a life into the world.
That phone call rocked my world. Within a very short time, I was going to meet a sweet angel baby that I dreamt of holding and seeing.
I was about to watch someone I love with all my heart, raise and nurture someone she loves with all hers. That sounds sweet…but what I have witnessed this past year is so much sweeter than any words could express.
I knew Shlee would be a good mommy. I knew she would have a clue with all of the children we have in our family. :) But I will admit I did not expect to be so pleasantly surprised with the comfort and confidence this role brought to her life. I have never witnessed anyone transitioning into motherhood so beautifully. Like they were born for it, or completed by it.
Kohan Michael Wallace…You are celebrated with every breath, move, and step you will make. You got the best Mommy and Daddy, and I am so blessed to watch the three of you be a family.
Ko-bug, Auntie loves you with everything in her….just like I tell my babies, you are my favorite. You have the best smile in the whole entire world, and a laugh that makes me happy with the thought of it. I love that you are such a perfect clone of your beautiful Mama. I love that I get to watch you grow.
Happy 1st Birthday Monkey.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
A little ditty...
Sometimes you just need country music. And wine. Country music reminds you where you came from, that life is supposed to be simple, and that chivalry is not dead. Wine makes you smile while you write a sleepy blog at midnight, reminiscing about the greater things in life.
I only like to sit down to write, when I feel like I have something important to say. Even in my wine drinking, country music listening state….I think I do ;)
I have been gardening. That makes me feel like an old lady. Those ladies have something I don't. It's called wisdom. And gosh, gardening makes you feel wonderful. You are literally getting down to the roots. So liberating. There is just something magical about tearing out horrible, nasty crabgrass (for HOURS). And creating something beautiful to put in its place. In my case that would be vegetables, and "thlowers" as Chloe calls them.
I got to spend the day watching my baby talk to roly poly's, worms, and snails. Watch her strip down to a diaper as she got mud and water on each article of clothing she was wearing. I got to remember the days when a hose could entertain for hours. I love this life. I love spring. It always makes me feel new. Second chances feel like they are all over the place, just waiting to be grabbed….or grasped, or ridden on. And who doesn't need a second chance now and then...
I only like to sit down to write, when I feel like I have something important to say. Even in my wine drinking, country music listening state….I think I do ;)
I have been gardening. That makes me feel like an old lady. Those ladies have something I don't. It's called wisdom. And gosh, gardening makes you feel wonderful. You are literally getting down to the roots. So liberating. There is just something magical about tearing out horrible, nasty crabgrass (for HOURS). And creating something beautiful to put in its place. In my case that would be vegetables, and "thlowers" as Chloe calls them.
I got to spend the day watching my baby talk to roly poly's, worms, and snails. Watch her strip down to a diaper as she got mud and water on each article of clothing she was wearing. I got to remember the days when a hose could entertain for hours. I love this life. I love spring. It always makes me feel new. Second chances feel like they are all over the place, just waiting to be grabbed….or grasped, or ridden on. And who doesn't need a second chance now and then...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Truth.
I know the truth. I met Jesus. He came into my life and he transformed me, and he whispers in my ear. He speaks to me, rains on me, and blows wind in my face. I have felt the love of God the Father stronger than any love I have ever felt for my two precious babies. And I love them with everything in me. I would die for them in a second. I would let my life be mutilated so that they could live. So that they could be spared. And I know Gods love more than I know that truth. Because I asked for it. I said, I will step out on a tiny shred of faith if you could just give me a sign. And he did. Small ones. Ones that I had to chase, and hold onto. Signs that I had to pursue. And then the signs got bigger. They got clearer, sometimes it feels like connecting the dots to create that whole picture. And I won't know the whole picture. Not in this lifetime. But if I keep chasing I'll know enough to get through this day, and the next day, and the one after that if I am lucky enough to have it.
But here is what I know today. I know that I want my life to be a testament of the truth that I know. And that isn't happening if I am not proclaiming it out loud.
Here comes the scary part. I DON'T WANT ANYONE IN MY LIFE TO FEEL LIKE I AM JUDGING THEM. That is the hardest thing for me. And I don't judge them. I don't. I mean, don't get me wrong…my human nature is nasty and I know that I HAVE JUDGED people. And I am sorry. And I know that I will do it again. And I will be sorry again. But I am sick of not proclaiming the truth, because I don't want to hurt someones feelings. I will proclaim the truth because I want the best for them. And I will not judge them, but I will love them.
The truth is Jesus. He has a better way than you could ever know (a way he wants to show you, and give you on this earth). A peace that passes all understanding. And to not have him, is death.
I love this message by Mark Driscoll. It is TRUE. It is so refreshing to finally hear it. To hear it not stepped around, and not screamed out with a harsh tone of judgment. To just hear the truth. No double talking, or misconstruing.
God, you know my heart, you know who I wrote down. Please don't pass them by.
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/heaven-and-hell
But here is what I know today. I know that I want my life to be a testament of the truth that I know. And that isn't happening if I am not proclaiming it out loud.
Here comes the scary part. I DON'T WANT ANYONE IN MY LIFE TO FEEL LIKE I AM JUDGING THEM. That is the hardest thing for me. And I don't judge them. I don't. I mean, don't get me wrong…my human nature is nasty and I know that I HAVE JUDGED people. And I am sorry. And I know that I will do it again. And I will be sorry again. But I am sick of not proclaiming the truth, because I don't want to hurt someones feelings. I will proclaim the truth because I want the best for them. And I will not judge them, but I will love them.
The truth is Jesus. He has a better way than you could ever know (a way he wants to show you, and give you on this earth). A peace that passes all understanding. And to not have him, is death.
I love this message by Mark Driscoll. It is TRUE. It is so refreshing to finally hear it. To hear it not stepped around, and not screamed out with a harsh tone of judgment. To just hear the truth. No double talking, or misconstruing.
God, you know my heart, you know who I wrote down. Please don't pass them by.
http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/heaven-and-hell
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