say YES.

It has been a strange couple of weeks.  To the worlds standards, my life has been a bit of a mess.  To the naked eye, it might look a little 'fall-apart-ish.'

I'm so thankful I have Jesus.

Sometimes I forget to pray.  It's so simple, yet I get caught in my own thoughts, spinning in my own stuff, and I forget.  And then when I remember to pray He meets me and clings to me, and sings to me, and tells me He misses me, and I get all lost in wonder with Him again, and I don't know how I have forgotten to hang out with Him all day.

I'm rambling. anyway...

I'm writing out of faith today.  Because I want to write about these BIG things that God is telling me, even though on paper, I am just sort of....'fall-apart-ish.'

He is saying...

Kara, say YES!

And I am sort of saying...oh that is scary, how do I say yes to your bigness when I am oh so small.  But here I am, writing this blog, to my 2 friends that will probably read it, and this is my version of screaming into the universe...YES!!!!

I LONG for a simple life.  I YEARN for it.  For a wrap-around deck, and a horse, and wild free running children.  I also long for a life that looks like nothing I've seen before, and a crazy world changing mindset.  These are things that are inside of me.  Things I sometimes suppress because they feel unattainable and far away.

But not today.

My Mom had this vision of having a camp with a bunch of horses.  The camp would be designed for the physically and mentally handicapped.  They would get to come and ride and experience nature and animals.  It was a big amazing dream that never happened (or hasn't yet.)

And somewhere inside of me there is a similar dream.  I have been having baby fever lately.  A tad awkward since I am not married, and am not in a position to have a child.  And I am so thankful I have amazing babies in my life, and my friends are popping out kids that I get to love on....but I really have an ache to have my own baby.  This is the part of the blog where I want to shut this laptop and act like these dreams to not live inside of me.  But honesty is a good good thing so I will keep typing.

I have this vision of me, on a big huge open deck, with property in front of me...a baby on my hip and a bunch of babies running around...like an orphanage maybe...and I don't know the details...I just know that I want it to be true.  So if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen...but I am saying YES to the possibility.  

I am believing today that I can have a house in the country.  I am believing that I might get remarried and have more babies, or adopt babies.  I am believing today that I might get to do photography strictly as a ministry in the future.  I am saying YES today in all of my smallness, in all of my brokenness, to the BIG BIG BIGNESS of God to move in my life. 

Amen.

In His own words. who knew.

I wrote this a few weeks ago.  Doubt, unbelief, and probably a little shame made me hesitate from posting it.  I don't need those downers, and neither do you.  I can't deny that he speaks to me, as crazy as it is, or how unworthy I might feel to be the recipient...doesn't change that it is my reality.  So here it is:

My friend was getting ready to go on a retreat with high school girls.  She was letting me in on some of the details…she shared that sometime over the weekend, they would be writing a letter FROM God. 

I have written many letters TO God.

And I have heard him speak to me.  So I know he does.  Loud and clear.  But, I would never be so presumptuous to actually start penning a letter "FROM Him".

Until he told me to.

Kara, You are brave.  You are kind.  You are strong.  You are like nothing I've ever made or seen before.  You are love, you are compassion.  You are knitted together with an everlasting love.  You are capable.  You are the only YOU.  You are exactly what I want you to be.  You are mine.  I do not make mistakes.  I do not give up.  I do not run out.  My hands are a sacred place for your heart to rest.

I will not stop pursuing you.  I will not stop woo-ing you. 

Trust in me. 

I challenge you to write a letter from God.  I promise that if you ask with an open, willing, believing heart…he will give you HIS words.  And there aren't any sweeter.

I have been praying for patience.  And by praying I mean…using a screaming tone in my head, and sometimes even out loud that says…. "Please God give me patience or something that resembles peace and me not me losing it."  My children have both been celebrating their independence lately.  Jesus help.

So I have been throwing this patience word around, half trusting that maybe I'll get some…

I'm so glad He meets me where I am.

I was reading my bible in James today…and in the notes it says, "Patience is not a passive resignation to adverse circumstances, but a positive steadfastness that bravely endures."  Aaaa-men!

Passive resignation:  I will try not to scream out loud this time, spank my child out of anger, and half hope that I can simmer down. 

Lame.

Steadfastness that bravely endures:  I will hold my head high, place this circumstance in the hands of the Creator of ALL Things, ask for wisdom, smile at the amazing gifts that I have been given, and be thankful that there is a bigger plan than I could know.  I will know without a shadow of a doubt that even if my 3 year old is screaming, or whining, or testing everything I have known, I WILL KNOW…that I have not failed her.  And even WHEN I do fail her, I lean on HIM who never does. 

Deep breath. We got this.

You feel me?

Epiphany of the day.

Of course it came when I was driving in the car with the windows down.  It just might be the only time I ever completely shut up.

So often, we go off of feelings.  How we are feeling, what something feels like, how we think other people feel.  And often, feelings do not line up with reality.  If you think they do…you are wrong.   Just kidding, it depends on the situation.  But feelings will really trick you, lemme tell ya.

So I was telling Jesus, I'm just not feeling you today…I'm praying, I'm talking, I'm thinking about you…but I'm not feeling you.

And he said….(this is always my favorite part)…

"Think of a marriage." Yup, ok, thinking of a marriage.  "Just because the marriage isn't always happy and butterfly-y, doesn't mean the 2 people in it aren't still married."

BAM.

Truth…just because I wasn't "feeling" him…doesn't mean I can't profess my love, profess my choice, hand my day over….let him know where I'm at. 

and guess what….just how I imagine a wonderful marriage to be, I felt him all over after that...

A new choice every morning...

I have this memory that I think about quite often.  It comes into my thoughts because it was…. literally… life changing.  It is a great example of how one simple choice can change us completely, as well as spur greatness.

I believe I was about 7 or 8.  It was a very shy stage in my life.  Before this time, I was riding roller coasters, never finding a large enough or fast enough one.  Putting on performances for my family.  Being pretty outgoing and spunky. 

I don't know what caused a change…but there was a season in my childhood where I was riddled with fear.  I was afraid of everything.  I couldn't be loud and fun because I was afraid of rejection.  I had to lock every door and window of the house at night because I was afraid of being taken.  (This fear lasted awhile longer than this decision, but I got rid of that too ;)

So here is the memory:  My Dad and I are going to a Halloween party.  It is at night, and there are a lot of people there…it was an adult party, not a kid party…..my Dad took me everywhere with him. 

I started getting anxious in the car on the way over.  I wasn't outwardly showing it, but inside I was getting really worked up that I had to be around so many people.  I started hearing this voice…(wish I knew about the holy spirit then)

The voice was gentle, and it said, "Kara, you don't have to be shy.  You can make a choice not to be shy.  You can choose to shake hands, and be friendly.  You will be ok." 

I walked into that party and shook everyone's hand with a smile on my face.  I was talkative, and it was received well.  You might know this already, but to this day…I am not shy ;)

One choice.  I honestly believe, had I decided to be a turtle and go in my shell that night, my life could be different today.  It seems so simple.  But that was a BIG DECISION for this scared little girl. 

And it just makes me think about what I am choosing today.  What greatness am I not choosing…

I don't want to do that.  It just might change what is happening 10 years from now.  Shoot, it might change what happens right now, or tomorrow.  To me, or to my neighbor, or the guy I felt like I was supposed to encourage but didn't have the guts to go through with it. 

Epiphany:  If it is fear that is driving me to a decision…RUN in the opposite direction.  Lift my eyes.  Open my heart.  Cry out, what would you have for me today My King?  I choose that. 

I am YOURS.

He's baaa-aaack. 

Or probably more accurately, I am.

I said yes again (this is constant), that's the beauty of it.  He gave us a choice, one to make over and over.  He never lets go, but I decided to entertain my own ideas for a little bit. bleck. no thanks.

Oh how much I let my pride get in the way and say I am fine.  I am fine feeling depleted, I am fine feeling wrung out, I am fine shrinking into a small existence that doesn't have a voice.  LIE.  I am not fine.  I am not fine when I don't put everything in front of him…down to the smallest detail. 

And you know what, the people in my life aren't fine either.  When I am busy filling my head with anger, and hurt, and worry…who the heck gets anything or anywhere from that.  We like to think that we are allowed these thoughts every once and awhile, at least I like to think that.  I've been hurt dammit, and I DIDN'T DESERVE IT!  So I should be able to think about it, and get mad about it, and let it fester, and vent to a friend, and have a pity party. GAG.  Grow up Kara.  How's that working for you?…Yes, I just quoted Dr. Phil.

The truth is that I am not anger, and hurt, and lies.  And just because someone still wants to speak that over me, doesn't mean I have to buy it for a second!  And it doesn't mean I have to get angry, or upset.  I GET  to look up…and say…"hi…and say,  what do you say???" AND HE WILL TELL YOU! 

He says…, no rather,… DECLARES, you are MINE!  You are my beloved, and I made you.  I put a song in your heart that only you can sing.  You are beautiful.  You are new every morning that you choose me.  You have a path set before you, that I designed.  I long to spend time with you.  I long to have communion with you.  I long to shine my face upon you.  I want you, and I want you to have me.  I want your wildest dreams to come true.  I created you to have wild dreams come true.  It's hard to believe, yes.  But my promises never fail.  

I wouldn't want a best friend that only called when they felt like they were going to die.  Would you?  I feel like he is saying…I love you, I feel so connected to you, I think about you all the time, I want to be closer to you…I want you to know me!  Because I know you, down to every last breath, thought and hair.  But you only call when you can't catch your breath. 

OH and that's the thing of it.  The more you know him, the more you want to know, the more you feel like you aren't breathing without him.  The first time you don't invite him in, you feel the blackness of your heart so much stronger than before because you've been ignited to what you could be. 

                                               I keep hearing REMEDY.

Oh the remedy….

It is Him.

He already IS.

He already IS the Healer.  He already IS the SAVIOR.

He doesn't end.  He doesn't run out.  We can't have too much healing, too much redemption, too much revelation.  He doesn't stop saving! 

Everything else in the world…Everything we have EVER known…Will at some point let us down.  Our parents, our kids, our dearest friends, our spouses, our careers,  Our church…oh yes, even church..even, {gasp}…pastors.  They will let you down.  They will hurt your trust thermometer, and make you feel abandoned to some extent.  

But he won't.  Not ever.  He will NEVER leave you.  He will never stop saving you.  It's hard to wrap your mind around it.  But you don't even have to do that.

He is shouting, "YOU ARE MINE!"

But you have to answer,…yes,…"I AM YOURS!"

and I am. 

What I know for sure.

Do you ever wonder if you are going to look back at your life and wish you would have chosen differently. 

I don't want to sound like a cheesy poem, but are you living like it's your last day?

Are you living like you don't have a lot of days left. 

I'm not.

If that were the case, I'd be living a whole lot more.  Insert the cheesy bumper sticker I can't get out of my head: "The meaning of life is to live it."

I'm pretty impressed that I choose my kids over petty things, and dance in the rain (literally), and stop to smell the air, or just look up at the sky.  I have close friends.  I love my family.

Here comes the convicting part that I don't want to write, or say out loud, or even think about quite frankly.

Am I honoring the people I love in my life.  Am I living for them, chasing after them, forgiving them…asking them to forgive me.

hmmm…not always.  I'm learning.  But the answer is a definite no.

So here is what I declare today:

Precious Jesus, I don't care how broken I have to get if I get to feel you pick up the pieces.  I would rather be pushed to a desperation that makes me drop everything and sit with you in my bed, or shout to you in my car, or proclaim you in the streets.  I don't want this life that I'm used to anymore.  Where broken hearts are left untended and  hanging all about.  You make beautiful things.  You give beauty for ashes. 

I trust you with my kids.

I trust you with my family.

I trust you with my life.

I trust you with my finances.

I trust you with and for my future husband.

I trust you with my path.

I trust you with my heart.

and oh, how I want yours.  How I want your heart for your people.  How I want your eyes.  How I want your will. 

You are making me new.

Thank you for that.  Thank you thank you thank you.

You are good. good good good. And I know that for sure.