Restoration.

Disclaimer: I have not been in a relationship with my Mom, Stepdad, and my brother in over 6 years.  My brother is 15.  Severed is a good word to describe us.  The brother part was not by choice.  So here's part of my day...   

Restoration is on my mind.  It is amazing what can happen when we let God be big.  I consider myself beyond blessed that I have some very wise people in my life.  People that guide me, encourage me, and sometimes just flat out call me on my crap.  

Today started with breakfast with some of my favorites.  These mornings are filled with a constant love.  One that you walk into.  It engulfs you when you walk in the door, and you are free to be whatever or whoever you want to be, and whatever that may be…you will be loved.  You will be loved in your weakness, in your strength, and everything in between.  The only unwritten condition is that you love back.  And when it comes to these ladies…boy do I. 

So restoration.  Later in the day, I was driving through the place I grew up in.  My friend needed a ride to pick up a car.  I happened to drive by my Step Fathers truck at a creek that we frequented as children (this has not happened in 6 years, it was completely out of the blue).  I instantly thought of my little brother, who I'm not allowed to speak to.  My mind fluttered with thoughts of the last time I got to see him, hug him, play with him.  Then my mind wandered over to the love-fest breakfast.  Oh and that wisdom just hit.  I long to see him, I miss him, I love him.  I don't know how to go about that.  That's ok…someone else has bigger plans…(I do not know what they are yet ;).  But I trust him.  I will pray for messengers…a token I learned from breakfast…

My mind then wandered to my adorable sister calling me last night to re-enact one of our late night past times as kids.  Her call was just a sweet reminder of our little inside jokes.  That there are some things only sisters share.  That our bond started a long time ago…and without us really knowing it.  Here's the epiphany….My bond started with my brother the same way…a long time ago, without me knowing it.  But it is there.  And it is strong.  And I don't care what he's been hearing for the past 6 years, I know he remembers it too. 

So today, I will trust.  I will not believe the lie that things are beyond repair.  I will believe that the price was already paid for restoration, and it was the biggest price.  And will have faith that God will bring us back, and make us better.

My dear friend also prayed for me tonight, and gave me this scripture…I say amen :)

Joel: 2:25  " I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter, my great army, which I sent among you."

He restores YEARS, and he restores GREAT DAMAGE…yup, amen.

Celebrating Kohan.

A year ago today I was waiting in the hospital for one of the best moments in my life to happen.  We ended up waiting all night…with prayers, delirious giggles, and sweet anticipation…not one of us could sleep.  Well, Grandpa Kevin tried a couple times, but was awakened with one of our joy-filled screeches with each attempt.

A few hours earlier that day I received a phone call that sounded like this.  A tad bit anxious sister: "I think it's time to go the hospital!"  Me: "What? oh my goodness, what do you need, what do you want me to do?"  Shlee: "Call the people, and we'll see you there."  …She then went into a small rant exclaiming that I had not warned her about the pain that comes with child birth.  I assure those of you reading, I did.

People can tell you about immense pain and strain of contractions.  But until you are there yourself you cannot fully comprehend the extent.  I knew that my Shlee was expecting a baby, but much like those contractions….you cannot emotionally prepare for the moment your baby sister brings a life into the world. 

That phone call rocked my world.  Within a very short time, I was going to meet a sweet angel baby that I dreamt of holding and seeing.

I was about to watch someone I love with all my heart, raise and nurture someone she loves with all hers.  That sounds sweet…but what I have witnessed this past year is so much sweeter than any words could express. 

I knew Shlee would be a good mommy.  I knew she would have a clue with all of the children we have in our family. :)  But I will admit I did not expect to be so pleasantly surprised with the comfort and confidence this role brought to her life.  I have never witnessed anyone transitioning into motherhood so beautifully.  Like they were born for it, or completed by it. 

Kohan Michael Wallace…You are celebrated with every breath, move, and step you will make.  You got the best Mommy and Daddy, and I am so blessed to watch the three of you be a family. 

Ko-bug, Auntie loves you with everything in her….just like I tell my babies, you are my favorite.  You have the best smile in the whole entire world, and a laugh that makes me happy with the thought of it.  I love that you are such a perfect clone of your beautiful Mama.  I love that I get to watch you grow. 

Happy 1st Birthday Monkey.

A little ditty...

Sometimes you just need country music.  And wine.  Country music reminds you where you came from, that life is supposed to be simple, and that chivalry is not dead.  Wine makes you smile while you write a sleepy blog at midnight, reminiscing about the greater things in life. 

I only like to sit down to write, when I feel like I have something important to say.  Even in my wine drinking, country music listening state….I think I do ;)

I have been gardening.  That makes me feel like an old lady.  Those ladies have something I don't.  It's called wisdom.  And gosh, gardening makes you feel wonderful.  You are literally getting down to the roots.  So liberating.  There is just something magical about tearing out horrible, nasty crabgrass (for HOURS).  And creating something beautiful to put in its place.  In my case that would be vegetables, and "thlowers" as Chloe calls them. 

I got to spend the day watching my baby talk to roly poly's, worms, and snails.  Watch her strip down to a diaper as she got mud and water on each article of clothing she was wearing.  I got to remember the days when a hose could entertain for hours.  I love this life.  I love spring.  It always makes me feel new.  Second chances feel like they are all over the place, just waiting to be grabbed….or grasped, or ridden on.  And who doesn't need a second chance now and then...  

Truth.

I know the truth.  I met Jesus.  He came into my life and he transformed me, and he whispers in my ear.  He speaks to me, rains on me, and blows wind in my face.  I have felt the love of God the Father stronger than any love I have ever felt for my two precious babies. And I love them with everything in me.  I would die for them in a second.  I would let my life be mutilated so that they could live.  So that they could be spared.  And I know Gods love more than I know that truth.  Because I asked for it.  I said, I will step out on a tiny shred of faith if you could just give me a sign.  And he did.  Small ones.  Ones that I had to chase, and hold onto.  Signs that I had to pursue.  And then the signs got bigger.  They got clearer, sometimes it feels like connecting the dots to create that whole picture.  And I won't know the whole picture.  Not in this lifetime.  But if I keep chasing I'll know enough to get through this day, and the next day, and the one after that if I am lucky enough to have it. 

But here is what I know today.  I know that I want my life to be a testament of the truth that I know.  And that isn't happening if I am not proclaiming it out loud.   

Here comes the scary part.  I DON'T WANT ANYONE IN MY LIFE TO FEEL LIKE I AM JUDGING THEM.  That is the hardest thing for me.  And I don't judge them.  I don't. I mean, don't get me wrong…my human nature is nasty and I know that I HAVE JUDGED people.  And I am sorry.  And I know that I will do it again.  And I will be sorry again.  But I am sick of not proclaiming the truth, because I don't want to hurt someones feelings.  I will proclaim the truth because I want the best for them.  And I will not judge them, but I will love them.

The truth is Jesus. He has a better way than you could ever know (a way he wants to show you, and give you on this earth).  A peace that passes all understanding.  And to not have him, is death. 

I love this message by Mark Driscoll.  It is TRUE.  It is so refreshing to finally hear it.  To hear it not stepped around, and not screamed out with a harsh tone of judgment.  To just hear the truth.  No double talking, or misconstruing. 

God, you know my heart, you know who I wrote down.  Please don't pass them by. 

http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/heaven-and-hell

Late is better than never.

Ok here we go.  Or knowing me, maybe we won't.  But also like me, we are going to try!  I started this blog to be a journal of daily blurbs and occurrences.  Being a mom makes you forget things.  Really great, important, life changing things.  So it begins....(I think.)

My favorite God moments are when I can feel him be my Father.  Because it all makes sense.  I wrote this blurb a few days ago.  I'm posting it today, with adorable pictures of Chloe....it doesn't all piece together perfectly.  But here is the lesson: (an extremely recurring one for me).  BE CHILDLIKE.

Gosh God is good, isn't he?? Wow he really is.  Sometimes when I feel myself wandering down a dark hole, or getting down…I feel him reel me back in like I'm attached to a fishing line.  All I have to do is hold on to the other end, and he'll bring me right back on dry land.  No more tumultuous waves crashing, no more deep water.  My feet are like a deers and I am prancing once again.  A relationship goes 2 ways.  You'll never find one that doesn't.  And I love that I can choose him when things are light and airy…and then sometimes he chooses me back when I'm having a hard time believing.  Example of this:  Chloe was holding her blanket, with unruly bedhead and pajama pants on, just charming me with small talk while I read my bible on my bed.  I said, "hey, let me hold you!"…she looked at me with a wild grin and squealed, "no way" as she ran away. She ran, knowing I would chase her.  She ran knowing I was still her Mommy.  Sometimes we run…(not into bad choices) we just run.  These are the moments I feel the other side of this relationship.  He's chasing my feet, like I chase his.  Don't get me wrong…I choose him a thousand times daily.  But I can feel him choose me back.  And it's awesome.

So today I am going to remember to slow down.  To breath.  To have faith in things I cannot see.  Just like my kids do. I'm going to dance for no reason, and not worry.  I'm going to revel in how small I am.  And dream and hope and believe.

God's reality

What we are, what we think we should be, and what we are called to be are not the same thing.  I will never be 5'9.  Maybe if I wear stilts…bad idea.  Another bad idea: putting my dreams, heart, aspirations, and hope in a box they don't fit in, or better yet, a box that doesn't belong to me.  What other people want me to be, or what I think they want me to be is not what God has designed me to be.

God has been talking to me about reality.  Woah.  God's reality.  It looks like nothing I've seen before. 

No keeping up with the Joneses here.  No fake.  No facade.  No lies.  NO LIES (that's the most liberating, scary statement)  I grew up with lies as friends.  Lying to myself that I was good enough (I know now that I really am.)  The lie that everything was ok.  Lies to make myself look better, or feel better.  Even at the cost of hurting someone.  Goodbye lies, I don't need you anymore.

There's this cry in our spirit.  It's, um, our spirit.  So many of us are taught to ignore it, mistreat it, deny it, abuse it.  Talk about nurture vs. nature.  My parents didn't learn how to listen to their spirit…so they had a really hard time teaching me how to.  That's ok, I'm learning quickly. 

I was designed for a purpose. I always knew it.  I knew it as a small child.  Nobody told me though.  I was loved, but not designed for a purpose. 

I was loved.  I really was.  I really am.  And I love back.  But I want to love with no strings attached.  Love to the end of the earth and beyond that into the clouds.  I want to love past expectation, and beyond my wildest dream.  I want to love over doubt, love ugly, love without the boundary that I will get anything out of it. 

Because my spirit was created for it.  I was designed to be set apart.  We all were.  And I am choosing it.     

So here I am.  Saying it out loud.  Well, actually, I'm writing it, but it feels like I'm declaring it to the world.  Hello spirit.  I'm so excited to wake you all the way up with my friend Jesus.

"You can't always get what you wa-aant"...

So I had a melt down last night.  You know when a close friend asks how your day was, or how you are doing.  And you think you are going to say, "fine." or "pretty good."….but then you start talking and before you know it you have word vomited all over her,  and you have no idea how long you've been rattling on.  By the time you look up and realize what has happened, you feel about 20 pounds lighter (word vomit is fattening if you keep it in) and she looks like she needs windshield wipers for her eyes. 

So I did that.  I had no idea I needed to.  But it came.  Fast and hard.  Like so many other of life's lessons it seems.  I talked about my finances, and worry.  Things I pray and watch myself giving over daily.  Here God, take this, it's definitely too much for me.  I thought I was good at it.  He's better.

I keep thinking maybe I need to be humbled into some sort of existence before I can feel like I'm not drowning.  But the thing is, I've really never been better.  That's the honest to God, swear on everything truth.  I've had "security", I've had a savings,  I've had play money.  Those things do not compare in the least to the wisdom, insight, and daily glimpses of heaven I have now.  And It's going to keep coming!  I pray that I never have money if it's going to cloud my vision, and keep me from God. 

So I gave it away again.  I handed it right over.  From my small hand to his big one.  I trusted harder, declared my faith, watched him grab my worry and send it on it's way like dust in the air. 

His promise is that we will have what we NEED, and I DO.