Oh, selfishness

Today I am weary.  I’m sad.  I’m heartbroken.  I’m upset.  And I’m trying to push past all of these feelings, trying to let them roll off of my shoulders and onto the floor.  I’m trying to force logic and reasoning onto all of things that don’t make any sense in my life.  And I can try all day, and all week, and all year.  But I’m never going to figure it out.  

Oh, perspective.  I wish I could be like Job in the bible, but I know that I’m not like him.  Not yet.  Things get a little shaky in my life and I feel like leaf on a tree in an autumn wind storm.  I forget who I am attached to, who I can lean on, who I am.  I get spinny and shaky and trembly.  Thank goodness I have a GOOD FATHER.  He grabs my face and my heart and reminds me when I forget.  

When Shai was born it was VERY possible that she was not going to be with us very long on this earth.  I ran out of that big hospital onto the sidewalk, I stood there broken and crying, and I made every pact you can think of with the first real love of my life.  PLEASE LET ME KNOW HER!!!! Please let me see her get a little bigger.  Please. Please, even if it’s only a little longer, let me have her.  AND HE DID. I should live every waking moment of my life out of that reality.  He answered me.  Over and over and over.  He blessed me, and molded me, and shaped me, and grew me.  He met me.  

And He still does, ALL THE TIME. 

Sometimes, we don’t see healing.  Sometimes we don’t understand.  This doesn’t change the goodness of God.  This doesn’t change His character, it doesn’t change His plans, or thoughts towards us.  It can change us though, it can ruin us.  We can get spinny, and shaky, and trembly, and forget WHOSE we are.   

I, or, uh, we, can be selfish.  Forgetting what we DO HAVE, and focusing on what we DON’T HAVE.  I have MORE than enough.  And when I don’t have what I need in the moment, He surrounds me with people that do.

Lord forgive me for being selfish.  For focusing on what I do not have, and not being thankful for all that I do have.  Forgive me for being prideful.  For expecting provision to look a certain way, not taking it any way that it comes.  I will be thankful and glad, even in trial, for YOU ARE FAITHFUL, AND JUST, AND GOOD!  I will expect to see miracles at the sound of your name, and I will throw my unknowingness at your feet!  YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN ENOUGH!  

Thank you more times than I have words to say.  Please keep changing me.  Amen.

Matthew 7:10-12New King James Version (NKJV)

10 Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! 12 Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.

Matthew 6:25-31

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

28 “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; 29 and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

31 “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Saying it out loud

Saying it out loud.

God’s been taking me on a journey over the past couple years that is hard to put into words, but I ought to, for accountability, for remembrance, for praise.

When I was a child I wanted to be a mom.  I just did.  I knew I was made for it.  Being an actual parent will test every notion that you are any good at it.  Insert laughter here.  

So 5 years ago, I got divorced.  It’s been a whirlwind of putting one foot in front of the other, trying to pay rent, raising 2 precious girls, and seeking God for everything.  And He has been FAITHFUL.  Restoring my family, repairing my identity, providing, overcoming, uplifting, encountering, HEALING.  He has patiently changed my perspective of who He is, and humbled me to realize who I am not.  I am not in control.  I am not weak (with Him).  I am not forgotten, nor forsaken.  I am HIS.  

God is The Father.  He IS unconditional love.  To know Him is to know that love.  We are to be ambassadors and carriers of that kind of love.  I have always wanted to adopt children.  The logistics, finances, and geography that I have going in my life do not line up with this dream.  I began to think it was a vision for a very distant future, or maybe a metaphor of some kind.  Yet my soul longed and ached. 

We are to be lights of the world.  To reach out to the orphans and widows.  To help. To come alongside.  Even if we don’t know what it looks like.  Even if we can’t imagine it.  Even if we don’t know how.

I always proclaimed that I could not do foster care, because I didn’t want to give the babies back.  God encountered me at church about a year and a 1/2 ago and told me “You can’t do foster care in your own power, but THROUGH ME YOU CAN, I WILL SUSTAIN YOU.”…

God is my rock, and my safe place.  He has anointed me, and changed me, and saved me.  Alone, I cannot do a lot of things.  But by calling on HIM I can do anything He asks of me.  

So this is the beginning of this journey.  I am going to be a foster parent.  I am going to care for and protect babies and children.  I am going to befriend moms and dads, and pray for all of them.  I am going to step forth in faith.  I am going to continue to cry out to God and lean on HIM for grace and sustenance.  

And I NEED your prayers.  I need support.  I need fellowship.  Please Pray for and with my family.    

.Convicted.

I discovered today that conviction is exciting.  Guilt and shame are depression disguised.  But conviction is different.  It says, “I love you too much to leave you here.”  I was super convicted today.  Revelation hit me like a brick falling straight from the sky, right onto the top of my head.  

I had an external hardrive go out about a year ago.  It was devastating.  Client jobs, personal photos, gone.  In an instant.  It was a big bummer.  I’ve been praying for the drive to be repaired since.  This morning I really hunkered down and prayed (in thought, not like on my knees, not that I don’t ever do that).  Jesus, I want it back.  I really really really want it back. I want those people to have their pictures.  I don’t care about my name, I don’t care about looking bad…but I want them to have them, I really want it.  I got an email 2 hours later from the repair guy saying he found a donor to get parts from (he has literally been searching this entire time, to no avail).  And then the feeling of shock ran all over me.  WOW.  God hears me.  I sat in that for awhile.

Then I was in the shower.  Like so often when epiphanies hit…..apparently it’s a new trend.  And I started celebrating again in my head about how there might be an end in sight for this, that it wasn’t a dream, I really received that email…woohoo!  And then…BAM.  I SHOULD NOT BE SURPRISED.  Not in the least.  I should be expectant, in waiting, proclaiming, declaring.  My posture and attitude should always be that God will come through, provide, astonish.  BECAUSE HE ALWAYS HAS, ALWAYS DOES, AND ALWAYS WILL.  

Woah.

Lord, I repent for making you small on a daily basis.  Please do not stop changing me.  

Amen.

Humble pie. I'll eat it.

I often ask for God to MAKE me humble.

I pray it all the time. 

In the car, in passing, before bed.

MAKE me humble.

“Do it, God.”  Is the demanding voice in my head.

He is so so so patient, and good.

Today I was in the shower, shaving my legs, where so many epiphanies make their way into my heart.  

“You can only be as humble, as you are vulnerable.”

WHAT?!?!

I have to give up something for this humbleness?!  I have to open up? I have to be transparent?  I have to expose the things that haunt me..I have to be honest…I have to be vulnerable?  Well, crap.

Ok, I still want it.  I want to be humble.  I want to have open arms.  I want to be different than I’ve seen, and different than I know now.  I WANT IT.

You can have it. My pride. My insecurities.  Me.  YOU CAN HAVE ALL OF IT.  You can have my doubts, and fears, and dreams, yes you can have my dreams, and my happiness.  I WANT YOUR HOLINESS. I WANT IT!!!!

You can have my parenting, my control, my patterns, and cycles.  You can have my perspective.  You can have my timelines, and my fantasies.  Please, come in, have them. 

And I’m so sorry when I don’t believe you.  I am sorry for listening to lies.  I am sorry for believing in your goodness only for others.  I am sorry for getting caught up in material things.  I am sorry for being impatient.  

amen.

.Adoption.

I just jumped out of bed with an epiphany. 

I started this year singing, "set a fire down in my soul, that I can't contain, that I can't control, I want more of you God"….I told 2013 this was my song.  I was shouting to God, set a fire in my heart for the things of Your heart.  And He has been.  And I have been semi-ignoring this longing, this calling, this press on my heart that He's been trying to nudge me with.  I was ignoring it because I felt unworthy.  Because I am filled with doubt.  Honestly, I didn't even realize the extent of what was happening.

I want to adopt kids.  I have visions, and dreams, and longings of adopting kids.

I want to adopt kids so badly, that it makes my heart stir, and my head spin, and my fists shake.  It's an inner longing of my soul that I can't stifle, snuff out, or push down, try as I might.  And I've been trying.

I am a single mom of 2 precious babies that I can't really afford.  I am busy.  I don't have time for my dream outlook of "Motherhood."  I don't volunteer in classrooms,  I work into the night, and a meal in our home looks like me standing at the counter, while the girls sit at an undone table. 

I let my tally of the things I leave undone, and the ways I'm barely surviving, dictate the dreams that God has been sharing with me, and pressing upon me.  I put God in a box and basically said I wouldn't partner with Him until the fairytale was put into place.  Maybe when I'm married to prince charming.  Maybe when we have a house in the country, where all the adopted kids can go run free, and I can work on the side if I choose to.  Maybe when I can pay off all of the bills, maybe when I'm better at being a Mom, maybe then.

My doubt-filled head has been trying to convince my passionate spirit that I am not enough.  And the thing is, it's right.  I'm absolutely not enough.  I'm sort of a mess.  But HE, HE is good.  And everyday, I lean a little closer in.  And sometimes, I forget that He's so big, and deep, and wide, and capable.  And HE makes me capable.   

He showed me tonight, that while my kids might not know how to cook, and we haven't completely mastered tying our shoes, while we don't have a chore chart, and we keep it pretty spontaneous in our home…He reminded me….My girls KNOW that they are loved.  They know that they are cherished, and special, and my favorite.  They know that they are important.  They know that I am proud of them.  They know how to be kind, and gracious, and patient.  They know how to give.  They know how to pray.   

They know that God is good, and through Him, all things are possible.

And tonight, I remember that too.

Jesus, I will believe in the promise and longing of adoption.  I will believe in your perfect plan and timing.  And I will not partner with fear, doubt, and shame.  Whether it's soon, or far away.  I will wait on you, and believe. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujQJQnxTFjc

.character.

How can something that makes you feel sad, tearful, weak, hurt….be laced with a fondness, a remembrance, a glimmer of hope.

not all things are always lost.

When you are a parent, you realize you have A LOT of choices to make.  When to discipline, when to hug, when to break rules, when to scold, when to laugh out loud, when to hug, when not to let go, when to let go, when to admit you're wrong, when to cry, when to scream (yes, it is absolutely necessary sometimes to scream), when to go all in, when to fold (no, I'm not really a card player), when to chase, when to wait, when to let them fail. 

We make choices as parents that teach our kids about how to love, and how to live.  How to forgive, how to be thankful, how to have boundaries.  It's not always easy.  And the best way to show them, is to live out what we speak. 

This Mothers Day…I feel a little challenged.  I feel like, in the spirit of honoring motherhood, its time recall my thankfulness for my Mom.  To make a choice to remember the good, and forgive the bad. 

The ugly, hurt part of me….sometimes discredits my Moms wonderful attributes because of very serious pain that she has caused.  Life isn't always fair.  Sometimes it's messy.  I have a choice to not leave people in their mistakes.  Even if they were big ones.  Sometimes we don't know how to navigate situations, let's just admit that it's ok to admit that. 

When I was 12, exactly around the time you start really shaving your legs, and wanting to do your hair every morning before school, my Mom and Step Dad moved into a tent on 160 acres in the middle of nowhere.  When I say "the middle of nowhere" I mean a plot of land smack dab in the center of 30,000 acres, with no other houses on it.  Land that you get to by driving on a two mile, 4 wheel drive road, with a creek crossing over it at 3 different points.  When people talk about roads with potholes, I fondly remember a road MADE of potholes.

In the beginning, this place was my worst nightmare.  My Mom wanted to build her dream house.  It had a view.  I wanted to throw up.  I moved in with my older sister while my family camped out, and worked on putting the frame (and a tiny bit more) of the house up. 

Six Months later, our home had wooden 2x4 walls, no drywall, plywood floors, no doors for bedrooms or bathroom, and a plank of wood (acting as stairs) to the sliding-glass front door.  Electricity was available because of our small generator, and you had to turn the light off in the kitchen so that you would have enough power to flush the toilet. 

My life up to this point had consisted mainly of subdivisions, air conditioning, more than one bathroom, a paved driveway, schools 5 minutes away, light switches, running water at all times, basically, extremely "normal" living conditions.  I don't even remember ever going camping.  This was uncharted territory.

The bugs got in the house.  The dust was thick.  Summer days were hotter than hot.  So hot, that I would wet a beach towel and lay it over my body at bedtime.  I would fall asleep praying that a breeze would slip through the window.  I'm not exaggerating.  The animals had to eat early.  The animals had to eat twice a day.  The hay got in your face when you threw it over the fence.  I smelled and tasted alfalfa all the time.  The skunks sprayed the dogs.  The water smelled of sulfur, and tasted salty.  The coyotes were loud.  A laundry basket of wet clothes is heavy.  It was so hot.  Carrying 5 gallon gas cans, bales of hay, propane tanks, and 50 lb. bags of dog food, was on the daily agenda.  We could only shower a couple times a week.  Thank God for the small above-ground pool.  That, and a bucket worked fine in a pinch.  In the beginning, I felt like a fragile shaking tree, caught in a hurricane.  I would cry over how weird my life was.


When I would outwardly complain,

My Mom would proclaim, "This builds character!"

If words could have a weight in gold, those ones surely would.

Wisdom can't be bought though.


I don't remember the exact day I decided to stop resenting my life.  But I do remember warm sun coming through the open windows, while Patsy Cline sang me through my indoor chores.  I remember stars so bright, you could walk all night by the light of them.  I remember horse races in an open meadow, watching the bats fly out at twilight, hiking for endless hours with your best friends (aka little sister and brother) and getting lost exploring and laughing.  I remember hearing Moms whistle, and knowing it was time to turn towards home.  I remember grabbing turtles in creek beds.  I remember elk herds, deer stampeding, and bald eagles soaring above the wide open meadow that happened to be directly out our back door.

I remember swimming holes, and waterfalls, and the smell of fresh rain on top of a powdery dirt road.  I remember catching tadpoles, stepping on bull frogs, and fresh chicken eggs.  It was still hot, there were still chores.  But the air was so fresh, and the sunsets looked like rich oil painted on a massive canvas.  In the springtime, the grass was such a bright green, and it felt like a soft damp blanket under your feet. 

We had callouses, and scars, and we smelled like dirt at the end of the day.  We had creeks, and baby cows, and wild animals (some were pets, some came with the land).  We had rattlesnakes, and cars that could barely make it home .  We skipped rocks, and ran barefoot, and laid in the lazy sunshine for hours on end.  In the winter, we would catch a rare dusting of snow, and slide in sneakers on the frozen pond.  We missed school when the creeks were too high to drive through.  We learned to tell time by the sun, and we learned that God was good by the beauty around us.  That HIS character was steadfast and true, mighty, mysterious, and always in control.

We had sweat, and tears, and sorrow.  We had joy, and triumph and laughter.  We were doers.  We achieved.  We got by.  We had country music and back roads.  We had sun tea, and barbecues, and horse troughs.  We had chickens, and sheep, and goats, and horses, and dogs, and cats, and mountain lions, and coyotes, and foxes, and buzzards.  We had life humming and buzzing all around us at every moment.  But there was also a stillness, a quietness, that some never get the pleasure of knowing.

We had floods, and lost power, and watched our animals pass away.  We had circumstances that only God could fix.  And we knew He would.  And He did.  We had character.  And today, I am very thankful, for that.

Thank you, Mom.

A hasty spirit.

Day 3.

A hasty spirit.

 

unsettled, unrequited, busy

un-charmed, un-loved

 

hurry.

 

cold

 

rushed

 

shaking.

 

worry

 

fettering

 

wasting.

 

 

throw that blanket off like an afghan sliding on bare shoulders

 

feel its weight hit the ground

 

handing over boulders.

 

 

easy yoke, light burden

 

lifted eyes, not down-trodden

 

 

peer out

 

smile deep

 

take a breath

 

soul to sleep. 

2 Timothy 1:7 For God had not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

We are not called to have a hasty spirit, we are called to call upon God.  

That's what I have to say about that.

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

Day 2


GRACE.

"If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking"  That's a song quote.  A beautiful, true one. 

I have a memory from one of the weddings I photographed, that I would choose to keep above all other memories in my career. 

A Mom of the groom had just gotten done dancing with her boy…she humbly stepped off of the dance floor, wiping away tears of gratitude and glee.  She brushed past me, and whispered, "He's the best thing I ever did."  Instantly, my eyes stung with hot tears as a reaction to her sentiment.  I almost lost it.  There is nothing like being proud and in love with your child, two feelings I know well.

Why this story strikes me when thinking about grace is this.  If I feel that way about my babies, and that mom had the capacity to feel the way she did…how much greater does HE feel about us?!  He likes us and loves us A LOT. 

And how does He long to deal with us, listen to us, interact with us?

This brings me to thinking about a play date I recently had with one of my dearest friends.  She was sharing with me about being a little down, a little wrung out.  She started explaining feelings of guilt and shame.  She also has a beautiful, bright, wonderful little baby.  I listened, and completely understood her feelings.  I could relate, and have had very similar experiences before.  But then I also thought, how does God see this?!  And I said to her, what if your child was sitting here in front of us, saying the very things you are right now?  Living without forgiveness for themselves, and carrying around this weight of shame.  She exclaimed, " I would say you are good!  I love you!"

Exactly.  How much more would HE say, and how much better would he be at it.


Matthew     7:11
11If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!


Ephesians 1:7
7In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace



Ephesians 2:7,8
7that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God

My hope is You.

My friend told me the other day that I should write a devotional.  To which I thought: yeah right.  I can barely get a shower in some days.  And I have to feel like I'm going to blow up to get anything on paper.  Not to mention, I do not have my stuff together.  I struggle, in so many areas it seems.  Especially lately.  It's been a testing season.  Those aren't my favorite.

But then I was in my bathroom, using my tongue scraper (the best invention, ever).  Well, maybe the second best, but it's a good one.  And I thought, I COULD write a devotional.  Because I am DEVOTED to God.  I am devoted to serving Him, loving Him, chasing Him.  And the bible doesn't say we won't be tested, it doesn't say we won't have trials.  It says to choose HIM when you do.  It says you WILL have victory in HIM.  It says…. James 1:2-3  "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience."

So now here I am, sitting down, in a towel, not ready for the day, and with somewhere to be soon.  And I'm saying…Jesus, you have my attention.  I will share the ways I choose you.  I will share, in a very candid way, what devotion looks like for me .  Oh, God, help.

I think of the intro to a devotional that I absolutely love, and helps me so often.  And I think of this woman carrying a purpose, and praying diligently about this project….this devotional that she wrote.  And I think, I'm jumping into this on a whim.  That makes me feel a little like I don't add up.  But then HE pipes up with an, ahem, excuse me.  "I don't make mistakes."  Maybe it's a personality difference.  And, that my friends, is more than OK. 

I pray a lot.  I pray with purpose.  This devotional thing is a new idea.  It was actually one that was given to me.  But it's from Him, so we're gonna run with it.

Here goes nothing.  Or something.  Or, a lot of somethings.


Day 1

HOPE.

Where is your hope? 

Is it in your career?  Is it in success?  Is it in how people view you?  Is your hope in money? Image?  Is your hope in your kids behavior? 

For about 3 months I have had a Third Day song stuck in my head.  It says:

My hope is you, show me the way, guide me in truth, in all my days……

I didn't know how much I needed those words, as they played on repeat in my head.  My spirit sometimes knows what my heart does not. 

My HOPE is HIM.  It really is.  He is my only hope, when I know any better.

And the thing about putting your hope in HIM…is that you are putting your hope in the ultimate Daddy.  The ONE who literally holds the world in His hands.  Makes you feel small, and like anything is possible huh?

In between the beginning and end of this, um, devotional, blog, thingy…My friend came over to work with me, and was sharing about her friend who is going through treatment for cancer.  This person is not doing well.  My heart hurt listening to her diagnosis, her treatment.   My heart hurt, but I didn't even have words.  I didn't know what to do. 

So I just listened, and then we continued to work.

And then the Holy Spirit just showed up.  I had an overwhelming sense of "want" for this person to be healed! Completely!  Like, get out of the hospital, have a miracle on outward, showing wounds….as well as every speck of cancer out of her body, NOW!  Only God could do this.  My hope is HIM.  When I initially heard, I was depleted…helpless, wordless.  I was sympathetic, but I couldn't do anything. 

And then He reminded me, that I could do something.  I COULD ASK.  I could ask for wisdom, guidance, healing.  That I'm allowed to, and He loves when I do.  So we did.  We asked for healing, and then some.   

Jesus, my hope is YOU.

Matthew     19:26    

                        

But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with

                        God all things are possible.”

James        1:2-6   

                     2My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3knowing that the

                     testing of your faith produces patience. 4But let patience have its perfect work, that

                     you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5If any of you lacks wisdom,

                     let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be

                     given to him. 6But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like

                     a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind.

Psalm        146    

                  1Praise the Lord!

                  Praise the Lord, O my soul!

                  2While I live I will praise the Lord;

                  I will sing praises to my God while I have my being.

                 3Do not put your trust in princes,

                 Nor in a son of man, in whom there is no help.

                 4His spirit departs, he returns to his earth;

                 In that very day his plans perish.

                 5Happy is he who has the God of Jacob for his help,

                 Whose hope is in the Lord his God,

                6Who made heaven and earth,

                The sea, and all that is in them;

                Who keeps truth forever,

                7Who executes justice for the oppressed,

                Who gives food to the hungry.

                The Lord gives freedom to the prisoners.

                8The Lord opens the eyes of the blind;

                The Lord raises those who are bowed down;

                The Lord loves the righteous.

                9The Lord watches over the strangers;

                He relieves the fatherless and widow;

                But the way of the wicked He turns upside down.

                10The Lord shall reign forever—

                Your God, O Zion, to all generations.

                Praise the Lord!

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oO3YscYbtI0

Redemption.

When I think of being with someone forever, I think of things like post-it note love letters, I think of romance, and laughing, of whispering sweet nothings, and having longing gazes.  Frick, that sounds cheesy.  I would be good at post-it note love letters.  I do ponder these things.  But when I really imagine a relationship, I think about the inside.  I think looks are fleeting, and beauty is vain.  I think I want to like someone down to their decisions, actions, being.  I think, what if I got in a car accident and my face was not recognizable.  I realize that this is possibly morbid and maybe sounds a little weird or sad.  But I literally think about these things… that it's much more important to have a mutual likeness and understanding (as well as Jesus) that goes so far beyond attraction and chemistry. 

And even more than all of this(not more than Jesus, nothing more than Jesus), I think of sticking it through.  I think of persevering in hardship.  I think of being in waist high mud, with no way out, and still saying yes.  I think of someone looking at me in a dark hour, with a shadow on my face, and saying, yes.  Still yes.  And I think, do I have what it takes to do that?!  Do I have a yes in the dark hours, in the rough, unpredictable stuff? 

I had a dear friend present to me recently, a couple "prospects" in the dating world.   I just read that back and laughed out loud.  She was describing them, saying things like, "they are hot" "they have their stuff together"  "they are tall".  I just remember staring at her, wanting to be respectful, but also kind of shaking inside in indignation.  I could give a shit.  When I'm honest, when I'm authentic, I could give a rip.  I don't want hot.  I want humble.  I don't want stuff to be together, I want heaven minded. 

I am blaming all of this relationship/romance pondering on spring.  Love is in the air this year. sheesh.  Probably more accurately, lust is in the air.  I digress.

I recently gave a friend of mine some very good advice.  And on the trend of being authentic, it was advice that I was not even listening to for myself in the moment. 

The advice was that a relationship could not satisfy or fulfill my friend.  That a relationship, even if this person was her husband, would not sustain her.  She was convinced that she could not lose this person.  And I proclaimed, YOU COULD!! (they were not her husband by the way).  I said, "You only really actually need Jesus."  But I KNOW that HE is GOOD enough to give you exactly what you really need.  And will.  I continued to say, "Thank you Jesus, that you love us enough to tear us down, to build us back up, thank you that you want us dependent on you, because you CAN fulfill us."  THAT IS BEAUTIFUL, and so so true!

Maybe you already know this (whoever you could be, reading this)….but it's pretty freaking profound. 

My wise friend said the other day, Jesus is so good, that even His "No's" are good.  ALSO PROFOUND.  He is the ultimate guider, protecter, pursuer.  If He tells us "no" it is for a darn good reason, even if we aren't allowed to know that reason.

I had an encounter the other day…where I had this really vivid vision.  Actually, honestly, it was more like I was there.  I was at the scene of Jesus being crucified.  It was the most intense, insane experience.  I could see Him.  I was about 100 feet away.  He looked over at me, and I felt Him say, "this wasn't for half of your redemption."

wrecked.

 re·demp·tion

1.
an act of redeeming or atoning for a fault or mistake, or the state of being redeemed.
2.
deliverance; rescue.
3.
Theology . deliverance from sin; salvation.
4.
atonement for guilt.
5.
repurchase, as of something sold.

As I prayed and thought even more on this vision, He said, "It wasn't even for 98%."  HE WANTS TO COMPLETELY REDEEM MY LIFE.  Every facet, piece, dark corner.  He wants to paint on every dream, thought, plan.  That's a fact.  Am I going to let Him? 

I am reading Spirit Wars by Kris Vallotton.  There are a couple different times He says, "We need to know who we are, and WHO's we are."  That is where my identity comes from.  Hopefully from nowhere else.

I'm writing today because I needed to say this stuff out loud.  That I'm HIS.  That I believe His redemption is 100%.  That He is good in His yes and His no.  That I want it all.  That I only want Him.  Really, truly.  That I'm sorry for flirting with anything short of His plans.  That I trust Him. 

Do you?

Clover turns 5.

um, woah. 

Exactly 5 years ago to this day and exact time I was eagerly awaiting a little angel inside my belly.  I couldn't sleep because I had an appointment to have a C-section the next morning.  I had taken shower, packed my bag, checked my bag 4 times over, and gone pee approximately 8 times. 

I laid in bed, smiling, with tears welling up, elated, like a kid before Disneyland, or Christmas.  I was excited.  There is absolutely nothing that compares to meeting your baby for the first time.

I had the smallest twinge of discontentment, knowing that I had "chosen" my daughters date of arrival.  Some part of me wanted the surprise…the God-given, spontaneous, actual due-day.

Right around Midnight on February 11th, 2008, I got my wish, my secret prayer.  I got up to go pee for the 9th time, and my water broke.  This was the day, no matter what, that this punkin would come into the world.

They held off my labor, and we had our beautiful girl around 8:30am.  She was perfect.  Just like her sister.  She was round, with a ton of hair, looked like her Mama, and was hungry. 

I can't believe 5 years have gone by so swiftly.  Some of them have been long, hard years.  Still, so fast.   

Tonight I am humbled, and ever so grateful.  Saying I am blessed does not touch my feelings in the slightest that I get to be a Mama to my girls. When I say there are no words to describe my thankful heart, I mean just that.  I do not know words that could encapsulate a love this huge.

I was a tad worried that if we named her Chloe, I wouldn't have an acceptable, adorable nickname that would be enough to my liking.  I was wrong.

My little angel was crawling around at the very young age of 5 1/2 months, and I just spurted out one day, "Clover, get back here"….CLOVER.  Oh how I wished we had thought of that first.  Just kidding, kind of. 

Oh My Clover. 

You are a heart melter.
You are the sweetest thing.
You are soft.
You are giving.
You are like a spring morning, refreshing, and new.
You bring light with your footsteps.
You encapsulate childlike faith. (I think you always will)
You could get anything with those eyes of yours.
No, I don't mind if you still suck your thumb.
When you grow up you want to be an angel that gives people money. (that's a quote)
You are the light of my life.
I am eternally grateful for you.
You are FREE.
You pray for people spontaneously.
You are a helper.
You are strong.
You are created for worship, and know it.

You make me appreciate life with your every breath.  You show me beauty in ways I have never known.  YOU are my favorite.

Happy 5th Birthday Chloe.  I love you with all my heart.

xoxo

Mama

living beyond my means.

Some days I just want to put all of my belongings out on the curb, Tell my landlord I'm moving out, pull my kids out of school, start hitchhiking everywhere, and begin each morning not knowing where I'll end up at the end of the day.

If I wasn't used to being a civilized person, and maybe wasn't solely responsible for my babies, this might be a reality.

You might be laughing that I just called myself civilized.  I may have exaggerated a smidgen.

When I was married, my husband would tell me that I gave too much away, that I wanted to share too much.  He would say things like, "you can't trust everyone."…."We don't have enough to give."   NAILS ON A CHALKBOARD.  Those statements made my hair stand on end.  One could argue that we didn't have "a lot" to some standards.  I knew somewhere inside of me this was wrong.  And I know now that I am nowhere close to where I am going to be, or where I am called to be when it comes to giving.  I have this vision that everything that I receive into my hands leaves instantly and multiplies as it goes out of my possession.  The vision is about monetary items, as well as knowledge.  That's an intimidating vision.  It's kind of one I don't want to tell people out loud that I'm having.  My life doesn't line up with it.  

Epiphany of the day:  The same spirit that whispers and screams to me "reckless abandon"…is the same spirit that planted a seed in me to be different.  It's that spirit that calls out my faith and says trust me enough in the morning to handle whatever may come.  Believe me enough that you would pack your things on the curb.  Give even what you don't have already.  Listen to me.

I look around and see people with back up insurance for their insurance plans.  Sometimes I think about my kids education and I get a little worried that in this moment I am not prepared to provide for them when the time comes.  But then I get a tap on the heart and He shows me the truth…

That showing my kids to live with reckless abandon and unheard of faith is the only insurance that they will ever need.  That by chasing Jesus, by calling on HIM they will be wise, and no amount of money, or books, or college will ever get them that wisdom.

So today, I am encouraged to believe beyond my means….to completely blindly fall into whatever He would have for me.  Even if I have to give my whole self to do it. 

.Break every chain.

I am staying at my sisters house for the week.  It is warm and cozy and inviting.  It’s one of my favorite places because I am reunited with my family here.  I love them.

I feel like God has promised me so much when it comes to them.  I believe that He can heal our broken hearts, that He can show us how to love.  That He can help us to be the family that He created us to be. 

My kids woke me up around 7 to make them breakfast.  7am is not the time to wake up when you are on vacation :)….So I made them something to eat, and laid back down on the couch.  I drifted in and out of dreams all snuggled up on my sisters “little couch” the one that fits me perfectly.  As I went in and out of sleep…. I heard the hum of my kids laughter, chatter, and the bustle of everyone else getting ready to leave. 

So around 9am, which is a much more rational time to wake up on a day off…I was pulled out of my dreams by a beautiful sound.

My kids were harmonizing with each other…..and singing, “Break every chain, break every chain…….break every chain…….”

The reality that my kids were releasing these words into this house…..over my family….into their lives.  Made me turn into a big sappy grateful puddle.

And I sat there on that couch….and I just said thank you…thank you Jesus…thank you for breaking the chains of bondage, thank you for breaking the generational crap, thank you for making us new…..and I saw us ripping the chains off….

But then He stepped in and corrected me…in the middle of my vision of us ripping our chains off and slamming them to the ground….

He showed me the truth.  That actually, He comes in, walks right up to us…and removes the chains like the guy at the movie theatre moving that felt barrier when you are standing in line.  He just simply comes up, takes the poky jagged hook, out of the hole in you…..and it just falls away.  He does it.  Not me.  Not you.  Just ASK.

I’m all about that….Jesus…come on in….Break every chain….

Thank you. Amen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6ncg2pLYks

You have given me more than I could ever have wanted. THANK YOU.

My love for photography started at a very young age.  Besides being a Mama, it has been my greatest passion.  My happy place has been behind my camera.  I love seeing people smile.  I love capturing Gods creation.  I love the challenge, the beauty, the moments.  I love holding a tangible piece of history.  I LOVE freckles, and laughter, and wrinkles, and profiles.  I love accidents.  I love crooked compositions, and ugly laughs.  I love when the inside of someone shows up on the outside….


A few years ago I listened to an amazing woman recall a beautiful moment in her life.  She started by speaking of a time when she sang her heart out to God at a young age.  She dreamed her biggest dream for her life at age 15, and sang…"You have, given me more than I could ever have wanted, and I want, to give you my heart and my soul…"  She shouts this song to God at this young age, dreaming her big dreams, and 15 years or so later, she's singing the same song in worship, and everything she dreamed that day has come true.

I listened to her recall those moments with tears in my eyes.  Knowing, that her TRUST in God, let His faithfulness shine so brightly through her life. 

And somewhere deep inside of me, I knew I wanted a trust like that.  I knew that I wanted to trust God when I had nothing, for everything that I could possibly want.  Not so that I could have the end result, what I "wanted".  But so that I could know the fullness of trusting Him.

And I'm pretty sure that that longing inside of me, turned into a meekly presented prayer to Jesus.  And my life started changing, pretty rapidly.

I always believed in God.  But I did not always trust Him.  I didn't really know how to.  I wanted to put Him first, above everything. I knew I needed to, longed to, but I had no idea what that looked like.  I didn't know where to begin. 

So I just said it.  In my head.  I want that.  I want to trust you.  I want to believe you, I believe you.  I will choose you before I choose anything else.  I said it.  I admitted that I didn't know how, but I also admitted that I wanted it. Over and over.

Fast forward to now.

I had my wildest dream moment.  I was recognized publicly for the one thing I ALWAYS DREAMED of doing.  I live my dream life! I have my dream job!  And I got an award for it!  How crazy is that??!!  Five years ago, three years ago, one year ago, I would have lost the bet that this would EVER happen.  And let me just say that this blog is not about winning an award.  It's just a marker, and sign, (like a cherry on top) of HIS COMPLETE FAITHFULNESS shining through my life.  This is just 1 of a thousand things that have come together these past few years, none out of my own strength. 

I can be sitting, smiling, in a room with friends, and all of a sudden I will just LOSE it and start bawling.  I cry because I am completely overwhelmed by Gods goodness in my life.  It literally brings me to my knees.  A lot.  

I have had some messy situations in this lifetime.  All consequences of my own actions.  But He doesn't care about that.   He doesn't care that I'm not a great business person.  He doesn't mind that I'm not the most organized.  He created me to dream, and want to capture people, and has laid the path before me for that to happen.  He has given me the most wonderful friends, that come along side, and speak truth when I can't see it. 

And I am just SO thankful.  And I'm so in awe.  And I'm so overwhelmed.  And I TRUST HIM.  And I'm excited for what's next.  Because I know that it will be good. 

"You are my bride..." #2

I hear it again, "You are my bride.."

and I see a wedding ceremony.

A bride beaming up at her Groom...ready,eager….not to put a ring on his finger....but to put her heart in his hands.

She trusts him. She believes him.  She grabs onto the promises leaving his lips and places them into the protected places of her heart.  They fit there.  She knows that he is for her, and she is not worried about it being any other way.  With him, she knows she is beautiful.  She is special.  She is longed for.  She is adored.  She is protected.  She has purpose.

and I know in this moment that He is saying that to me.

"YOU ARE MY BRIDE"….

We let fear, rejection, doubt, and many other things cloud his words, mask his promises.  Even in this analogy I think of failed marriages.  I know a thing or two about that. 

The thing is, He doesn't change, we do.

You always hear in church, that the Bible is the "Love letter" to us.  I felt like tonight in my vision in my kitchen, while simply putting crackers away...He was saying, "My promises do not fail, they never falter, you can put your very life on it."  "It's ok."  "Choose me always."   And I felt like he was giving me another glimpse into this whole bride thing, and telling me that if I am a bride, I can and should act like it.  Maybe I should walk in faith and DECLARE the things that He is, even when I don't know how to believe in them…..I'm learning….He's becoming more real than the world and beliefs that I'm accustomed to. 

And I felt like I just wanted to play that game where you fall backwards and you trust that the person will catch you….except I KNEW with everything in me that I would be caught by Him every time. 

As I'm writing this, I realize that when I know it's Him speaking or moving….I always say, "I knew it with everything in me."  It's the only way I can express how much I know it down in my soul.  There is nothing else to compare it to, there is nothing tangible that comes close.  The only other thing I would ever describe that way is loving my children.  It's the only other thing "I know with everything in me." 

So yeah, I will choose to hold fast to the promises that He has spoken to me…I believe that he will heal me right up (and I will extend this over my family because I can)…I believe that I will have a life and a love like I have never known (because He told me).  And when it doesn't look like it, or the winds blow the wrong way, or I get scared…I will remember He has already done it.  YES and AMEN!  

A place to worship.

"Kara, are you creating a place to worship?"

I don't usually have a problem throwing my hands up towards the sky and whispering, or crying, or shouting to Jesus.  Whether it be at church, or out of my car window, or at my desk, or in my kitchen…they will just instinctively raise, and I will declare that he is my King, and worthy of praise.  Because HE IS.

But lately I feel a little stiff.  I feel a little, "second guessy."  A couple weeks ago, I knew that God was propelling me into a new season, one where walls would be broken down and shattered on the ground.  One where my box would be opened up, and I would be asked to jump out from a UPS parcel post to a planet.  It's a big shift.  It's a blow your mind, answer your dreams, heal your family, rock your world, challenge your being shift.  And I thought I was ready.  And I will be.

But seasons like this bring attacks.  Because Satan will use anything he can to keep me in that box.  And I don't know who reads this, and sometimes I freak out that I talk about God, and Jesus, and Satan, and sometimes I worry I sound a bit nuts, and maybe like I'm writing a fiction novel.  But the truth is, I'm not.  And the truth is the master deceiver would want me to spin in lies and fall into insecurity, and fall away to past thoughts and drag me right through the dirt that I've already crawled through. 

NO THANKS.  In Jesus name, you can back off.

I already know that I worship a God of second chances, that makes me clean when I ask for forgiveness.  Even if I have to do it daily.  Even if I have to bow my head and say I messed up.  Even if I get insecure and "trash think" my life.  Even when I second guess my friendships, my relationships, my parenting, and my role in this world. 

So I'm bowing down, and saying sorry…Please forgive me.

Thank you for the endless gifts of friendship that you have given me.  Thank you for making my mistakes sparkle with promise.  Thank you for making me a Mommy.  Thank you for making me a daughter.  Thank you for making me a sister.  Thank you for making me a photographer.  Thank you for telling me my life will be like nothing I've seen before.  I will cling to that promise.  Thank you for making me a "wife in waiting"…I hate admitting that, because I'd like to think I'll be fine if I'm never married again, and maybe I will be…but I WANT to be married, so thank you.

Tonight I sat in my doubt that felt like quick sand and wondered what the heck was going on.  I wondered why I couldn't imagine praying out loud, why I was bouncing between what He tells me is true and what the world says is true.  And He said, "Kara, are you creating a place to worship?"   Are you bringing me with you wherever you go?  Are you actually seeking me in all you do?  Honest answer: NO.  But guess what, I get to say yes now….I get to say help, and I get to ask! 

So Jesus, have your way!!! In my life, my decisions, my friendships, my career, my church, my everything…HAVE YOUR WAY!

Amen.
  

You know me.

I just got back from being at the ocean (pretty much my favorite place).  With one of my best friends, and her precious baby (so 2 of my favorite people on the planet).  And my kids (my absolute favorite people on the planet). 

Life is sweet.

I am humbled.  

I had put my phone down on the beach today, because I just wanted to soak my kids up, and not focus on taking pictures.  And then I realized that they were being so cute I had to capture it so I could look again tomorrow and remember just how sweet those moments were.  MY KIDS ARE STUNNING.  They are fiery and spontaneous, and they love adventure, and they speak their minds.  But mostly, they remind me to believe in GOD.  Sometimes they remind me by reveling in all of His greatness…. talking endlessly of His creation as they just purely ENJOY it all.  Laying face down in the sand and rubbing it through their fingers.  Catching shrimp in the shallow waves.  Looking up at the heavens and squealing with joy.  THEY KNOW HIM.  I stood watching them in of their delight, thinking, I want to live my life like this.  I want to run with open arms to the plan that He has for me, I want to shout with joy and dive in…Or as Chloe exclaims, "kick and punch" the waves!.  I say yes to the freedom that they had today, because I believe that I can have it. 

I had an epiphany today.  Gosh, I love it when that happens.

I came home and was casually looking through the pictures.  I stopped on one of Shai jumping in the waves.  I hardly ever notice that my daughter has 1 finger on her left hand.  I mean, it's a fact, so sometimes I remember, but I don't really NOTICE it.  And in the picture, my eye went right to it.  And then I heard a voice that I know pretty well in my head…."She is perfect." 

She is perfect.  She is the exactly the way she was created to be.  She was made in the image of Him.  She is exactly perfect.  Some might call her flawed.  She isn't. 

You ready for this?

So am I.  Even when I get insecure, even when I stumble…. when I look to Him, I am exactly who I am supposed to be.  Even if it isn't "normal".  Even if it doesn't go with the crowd.  Even if it doesn't fit into the pre-packaged box, or look like the mold from the factory.  Even when I mess it up, or dirty the water….He still says, I am perfect.  Exactly perfect as the one HE MADE ME. 

I have the song You Know Me by Stephanie Frizzell on repeat in my house…

In the lyrics she sings, 

you hung the stars, and you move the sea,
and still you know me

YOU KNOW ME

nothing is hidden from your sight
wherever I go, you find me

you know every detail of my life,
and you are good, and you don't miss a thing

You've memorized me.

HE HAS MEMORIZED ME!!!!!! And still chooses to use me, and talk to me, and see me!  Oh how I love HIM.  Oh how I feel redeemed! 


He calls me LOVELY…and I can't deny that when I know how I feel about my precious baby.  And it's not a joke when I say that it's the cutest finger I've ever seen. (it is!)

Oh Jesus, show me the flaws that aren't really flaws and help me to live like I am exactly who I'm supposed to be.  I'll run with my arms wide open to that.

Amen. 

Action comes before motivation.

I am learning that the promises in the written word are not mainly made up of metaphors.   Scripture is not made up of words and phrases that hold no bearing, like so many idle thoughts that fly through my mind and off of my tongue daily.  His words shake the earth, they have the power to do ANYTHING, they transform.  And they are for ME.  And they are for YOU.  You might be thinking "duh"!  And when I read that back, I'm kind of thinking "duh"…but man I do not walk and talk like that is truth.

When I was a child, I wanted to be a singer.  I wanted to be on stage,  I wanted to have talent.  More than fame though, I just wanted to be able to express myself in such a vulnerable, tangible, out loud way.   

I learned in the 4th grade that I am not the best singer.  I tried out for choir and found out quickly that I had no idea what I was doing.  I couldn't hear it…It was like another world to me.  Add to that years of hearing/speech issues and you have a tone deaf little girl with a nasally voice trying to sing jingle bells and completely missing the mark.  I wish that I was not that awkward, but the truth is, I was.   I am not trying to have a pity party, and search for someone to tell me "we can all sing" or something nice to put a pretty bow on that package.  I don't need it.

I can sing.  Actually I just typed that, not fully knowing how to agree with it.  But I typed it anyway.  Because he's been putting songs in my head, that I HAVE to sing..in my own voice, out loud, with passion.  I even record them.  Because just like when I have to have a photo shoot, or whisper to my babies, I have to sing these songs.  My soul isn't right if I don't. 

So His promises.

They never fall short.  They never fail.  They don't fit into the box that I've created for them.

He doesn't ever say it will be easy.  He doesn't ever say you'll know the answers.  He says He'll never leave you.

And boy do I know that to be true.

I started praying for my family since, oh I don't know, about the age of 5.  I didn't even know what I was asking most of the time, but I prayed nonetheless.  In all honesty, I didn't even know some of these times who I was praying to.  I DO NOW.  And the way I have watched the prayers that I lifted up be coddled, and remembered, and handled with care…brings me to my knees.  Actually, more literally, it brings me face down to my linoleum in my kitchen with my nose in a puddle of my own tears. 

Because He is tangible.  I serve a living, loving, all-knowing, TANGIBLE God.  I can't touch him in the physical sense all of the time, but He is there.  I can't deny it.  It would be a lie if I tried.  And dang it, that's just down right refreshing to say.  It's also a little scary, because it isn't EASY to live like that is truth.   

I have been in a dry spell with writing.  Today, I am practicing this wonderful quote that I've adopted since my early twenties.  Action comes before motivation.  I typically only write when I feel like my fingers will fall off of my hand if they are not allowed to type as fast as my brain is thinking.  Right now I am forcing them.   It resembles faith if you think about it.

I will believe, proclaim, declare, and rejoice!!  Even though I am dry and tired, I believe that there is so much more that is unseen.   HE is more.  And I will come and pray and declare these things when I am not cleaned up, when I am exhausted, when I don't know how to put one foot in front of the other. 

Because he is tangible.  Because He has never let me down.  It's not easy.  But he cares more than I could ever know.  So you bet your butt I can sing.  And He cares about my family.  He has placed me exactly where I am supposed to be. I will have a life and love like I've never seen before, and even when I don't really know the fullness of what that means, I will believe it. 

AMEN!

Hungry.

My feet are cold.  The daunting tasks of this day/work I need to catch up on/ lack of sleep that I had last night are bearing on my hungry body.  I need food, but do not have enough of an appetite to actually get up and do something about it. 

I want to crawl into bed.  I want to feel the light from my window warm my face while I take a short nap.  I want all of my seemingly large problems to go away. 

I did get back into bed a minute ago.  I needed the silence, I needed the stillness.  I needed to not think about what I have to do today, I needed to just rest and try to hear Jesus. 

My head hit the pillow.  I set my alarm for 30 minutes to go by.  The rest that my body longs for doesn't come from sleep.  I need to be refreshed, I need to be cleaned up, I need to be filled.  I need to be loved with an everlasting love, to be picked up and rocked.  I wouldn't know that I needed that so badly, but I've had it before so I feel empty without it. 

I laid there quietly for only a few moments.  The light didn't warm my face, and my feet were still cold.  But I wasn't tired anymore.  Still very aware that I needed rest, but not tired.   A new energy surged through me, one that I knew wouldn't let me stay in bed.  I keep hearing, "I could sing of your love forever…" lyrics from a  song in my head.  I could sing of HIS love forever.  He has rescued me.  And he keeps rescuing me over and over again.  Even when I turn my face from His, even when I dance with fear, even when I believe that He might drop me.  He understands that my reality sometimes turns to what I've known in the past, that's when He grabs my chin to look into His eyes again.  And as if looking into that truth and wonder wasn't enough…

He picks me up and puts my small feet on top of His big ones, and starts dancing.  He is obviously the leader of the dance, but I am welcomed with tender, loving, supported arms.  My ideas and dreams are valid, and my laughter is His pleasure.  He is steadfast, and never changing, and magnificent.  He has placed a song in my heart.  We are dancing to our own tune.  My problems, and fears, and worries are whirling around us.  They are becoming harder to recognize and losing their weight with each spin.  And the beat goes on.  I am forever His.  

He gives me visions of seeds being planted in my heart.  He gives me visions of rains coming from the heavens to rain on the garden in my heart.  There is no draught for this garden. 

I am desperate for God.  I am hungry and thirsty for the Love that can only come from Him.  I want more.

AND THERE IS MORE.

I always forget that.  I am used to to short ends of the stick, and being left and forgotten.  But not anymore. 

Just when I think I might drown in the ocean, he places me high on a mountain. 

It's from there that I will sing.  I will sing of his goodness.  I will sing my own song.  I will keep believing, keep hoping.  Because He hasn't dropped me, He rescues over and over again, and He always will. 

.Enjoying.

I have extremely adorable children.

Some days I just can't help but stare at them with absolute wonder, and a tear in my eye (ok about 20 tears).  I can't help but remember the smell of their head.  I always seem to remember the first time I smelled them, new and perfect.  And then my mind goes through a series of smells, like baby lotion and rice cereal, formula (it's a love/hate), the smell of their fingers when they are putting everything in their mouths (also love/hate), the smell of that nighttime shampoo, that doesn't put them to sleep at all, but does in fact smell like a dream.  I somehow always end up at sunshine, and a little bit of dirt. 

I ENJOYED my children today.  I think I do everyday, but maybe not to the extent of today.  I enjoyed them above everything else and it was just so sweet.

We had laughter in the car.  We had a story from Shai, that ended, "and then my friend was headlighted…meaning (lightheaded)"  I almost had to pull over. 

We had homemade dinner, which included a very serious debate on why the opposite ends of asparagus are better…Chloe likes the "flowers", and Shai likes the bottom.  Chloe also told me that asparagus is healthy because it tastes like salt, and a little bit of sour. 

Shai is the "Special Student" this week in her class.  We spent our evening making a picture collage, and I got to watch them be delighted by their baby pictures.  They were laughing at memories, and at each other.  I was just taking it all in as an outsider in a still lump….trying not to bawl and just being so thankful for how blessed I am. 

I also got Shais report card today, she asked me if she got A's.  I explained to her that she doesn't get A's yet, but her report card was pretty much perfect.  It was, and she is ahead in all subjects.  I can't help but beam at her diligence, and I also can't help but flash back to the day that I cried out to Jesus that I wanted her brain. 

So I'm tucking them in, and Chloe's woobie (blanket) is out of the dryer and smells amazing, and she shouts, "I just love the warmness!"  And I just sit in between them and revel at this life I'm living. 

And then I lean over Shai, and look at her not-so-little girl face, I'm going to kiss her, but I just stare.  I can't help myself.  This is my BABY.  My baby that is so obviously not a baby.  She is still just as beautiful as the first time I saw her.  She's got a little wisdom behind those green eyes now.  I can't help it, and the tears well up.  She says, "Is something wrong, Mom?"…and I say, "You know when you see a new baby, or hold a puppy or kitten, and you almost just want to cry at how cute they are?"  And she gets it.  She pulls me down for a hug, and I tell her I love her.  And she insists that she loves me more.  She's wrong.  

Finally they are in for the night and Chloe yells emphatically, "I just want to KNOW how GOD is changing the world!!"

I'm pretty sure I know how.